Deja Vus, and other stories.

I can never forgive myself for the death of my Molly.
She trusted us with her life and she protected us to a fault
and was the smartest sweetest dog I've ever seen and I hate myself.
I always thought, if she attacks someone again or something
that I would run away with her and find a safe place for her...
It's not fucking fair. Abused animals don't get many chances
her gang tattoo on her stomach,
her multiple trips to the SPCA
and we fell in love and said we would never be the ones to give her up, you won't have to go through that again, honey-heart.

What happened was, we came back from a walk in the woods, Billy was carrying stuff and I had her on the leash and the camera and the gulf club, we both thought the other close the backyard gate. I let her off the leash in the kitchen, we were walking around for about 2 minutes putting stuff away, and then we heard a squeeling sound and people yelling and we looked at each other shit where's Molly.
Molly had a little dog in her mouth and people were freaking out and Billy had Molly on the ground and the people rushed off to the vet and came back to present us with a bill. Their dog is fine it didn't go to thru to the organs.
But Molly had a dark side where she would silently stalk and then leap like a snake and visiously, attack
She did it to a random guy on our first walk before we started watching the Dog Whisperer and applying techniques
She did it to Billy's friend when he barely got out of the car camping, and attacked a dog that same trip, everyone said then that we should put her to sleep. We were heartbroken but made a pact to be in total control all the time and Molly improved SO MUCH!!! IT KILLS US!!!!!!!!
Why we were lucky and it was not the kid I baby sit (who she lundged at once after a walk but I jerked her back with the choke chain)or the two year olds running around usually or another person---I don't know.

We could be in much deeper shit now
But, damn. It hurts like nothing else

Where am I sicker and sadder, in the car driving when I talk to her and cry, at night when I lay awake and she isn't there to growl at the coyotes who scream at midnight, when I am doing laundry or dishes and she's not following me from room to room wagging her tail guilt tripping me for not taking her for a walk asap, when I study and she's not using her nose to push the swivel chair around, when she goes into my sock drawer to find a pair of socks to drop at my feet, when she pushes doors shut with her nose when you tell her to, when I take naps against her chest with her arms around my shoulders, when I give her the last bite of my breakfast and she will do anything, when I say'what do you smell?' and she sniffs the air, when she chases something in the woods and no one ever had a bigger smile.

My special friend is gone and I can't stand it
I regret it so much and can't stand it.
There is always that choking feeling in my throat and a sinking feeling in my heart
I fall asleep praying and crying and wake up feeling like a murderer, a backstabber

I try not to think of tricking her into being a good girl and allowing them to give her the shots that would kill her

Oh my god! We watched her get woosy and fall
a fallen heroine, I hated it more than anything in the world

And rubbed her
I try not to think of how she licked nervously, as she used to do
but then she couldn't get her toungue back in her mouth and she was probably confused and hurt---was I that bad? Don't you love me? Don't you want me?

And we kept rubbing her
her toungue stuck to the blanket turned purple
the kind, gentle vet lady put the stephascope on Molly Sues perfect, young chest that wasn't heaving at all and said, 'she's gone'

I try not to think about her body being burned now, how she is no longer and we will pick up her ashes soon, how we can't do anything to make her happy anymore.

I try to think instead I hope we erased her bad memories of a sad beginning to a short life, that we gave her bliss and love even if we could not live on a ranch so she do nothing but fight coyotes and chase squirrels.

We miss her so much and cry all the time and that is all I have to say right now.

The coyotes hogged the night.
Right here, right where we enter the woods,
plural coyotes, singing their hunting prayers,
they sang like wolves in love or wishing they were.
Up at the window where Molly used to growl
I watched the woods for words:
A perfect half-moon bit its lip
at the prime autumn chill,
deleayed cultasac echo caught
nocturnal tunes.

In my light sleep:
Went out to spy on the hunting soprano
Saw a wolf obvious as a shining full moon
stalking a stupid cat, turning it's blue persian eyes at me.
The prettiest creature I've ever seen
it leapt at the cat and shook it. Shoot it like it was a fish on a hook
I couldn't look
I ran to the room to wake Billy and saw from the window
the cat was gone and
the wolf stared through me
through the window
through the dark

Molly's been dead six days, we got a card last night from the vet with her paw print in ink and two little baggies of her black and white fur: one labled above the heart and one labled behind the ear.
I am still beside myself with sadness and feel just sick and awful am trying so hard to stay afloat with school all I can think about is Molly Sue is gone.
I'll be back when midterms is over this week sometime to write about it and post the last pictures, now i have to do a French presentation I haven't been able to study in a week and a half since this nightmare began

from Tuesday



















A string of insomniac nights plagued me this past week, last night was the night I finally slept without recurring massive tidal wave dreams. I'm school obsessed but have been trying to squeeze in the arts here and there, I lay awake at night coming up with ideas for photos and poems and have found what I was looking for within me. I have to get to class, won't be back till this evening, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my full school days.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

This reanaissance after those battles in my heart!

*First if you've been tagged you must write your answers in your own lj and replace any question you dislike with a new, original question *Second, tag 8 people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag the person who tagged you.

I didn't change any q's...

Lots of pillows or just one?
2, one for underneath my head and one on top of my ear. Or, one on either side of my head if I'm on my back

What kind of books do you read?
history, poetry, spirituality, authors like Tom Robbins and other clever writers currently reading Blink and Dreamwork of the Iroquois & textbooks.


What are your most awesome skills?
Empathy, the arts which my energy is sort of scattered in at the moment, reading people


What's your occupation?
Starbucks barista


What's really creepy?
black widows, being stalked by coyotes, certain people

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
meditation, organization, keeping manicures and pedicures because I can't have painted nails at work. I'm so excited school starts and I have a few days off in a row from work---I got different shades of red nail polish, the only nail polish color. Collecting feathers, and writing down my dreams.


What flavor ice cream would you choose right now?
Cookies and Cream! The full-fat Dryers kind


What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Livejournal, Facebook, Flickr, Monterey Peninsula College, that's it lately I haven't been online much at all.


What was the last thing you bought?
Gas & groceries


What was the cutest thing you've seen today?
Molly Sue waiting for her bite of my peanut butter toast this morning


Do you get cravings? If so, what do you crave?
I crave pasta, spicy burn your mouth full of garlic and red pepper and lemon juice pasta


What do you do to change your mood?
go for a walk on the beach

What is your zodiac sign?
Cancer


Do you want to learn another language?
Not really but I have to for school so I'm starting to learn French


Five things you can't live without.
Nature, Billy and my pets, writing, beauty, love, freedom


What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I wish I could tell some a-hole customers that they act like children and I wish I could just say, fine your drink is going to the end of the line. But I just say thank you for your patience, even though they're not being patient


What are you looking forward to?
school starting on Monday, being organized, making changes


Say something to the person who tagged you:
Dear Gayle, I can't wait for you two to become parents, I have my fingers crossed for you!
Also You and Allyson are some of the most special I've ever met and I wish we all lived closer!!

I tag:
wistfl
somesimplicity
passivemile
oceancurrents
__bin
boysname
atomeyes
lunchforlucy

<currently carbo loading, so that when I bleed soon I will not pass out.) So much to say! school starts Monday I CANT WAIT I've already read a chapter for History and one of the extra books he required there have been fires and sleeping under the stars and journeys thru myself that I just can't explain yet There was the coyote howling, keeping us out of the woods, right there by our yard Forgot to mention my epiphany was I must go into Native American History more specifically. more later I have to go make frappucinos.

It was 4:45 am when Molly woke us because she had to Go
I rose and opened the back door for her, she was taking a long time so I crawled back into the bed, left door open for her.

Laid there.

Heard suddenly, that terrifying sudden gurgly sick throaty howl right outside our bedroom window where our yard is next to. I had heard that sound as close the time we stumbled upon their den in the woods where they chased Molly Sue and I for half an hour howling that scary bark/howl behind us through the obstacle course through the middle of oak and poison oak. THen Molly barked and attacked the fence rattling it, Billy ran out to get her in and I looked outside, two coyotes sprinted away from our backyard fence, one was beautiful and white and the other darker, one ran off to the woods the other into the next cultasac, I think they were Queen of the memorial loop's two kids, they're still there, even when they're not making noises that creeps me out.

Today I cleaned, ate, gave the dog a bath, shopped for books online, but only added to wishlists.

When BIlly came home he said: What's goin on upstairs? I said Huh? He said with all the cops.
Turns out our neighbors upstairs who watch Simon when we're gone
Who I babysit sometimes for Little Andrew
The dad, is Bipolar, and ran off today violently, and is now missing.
The mom and Andrew came down to tell us, she said because she knows it looks bad when there are cops in your neighborhood. But they had to file a report, because Jeff went missing, and is bipolar, and sometimes violent (hope he's alright.)

***

I found
Dreamways of the Iroquois (Robert Moss) & Hidden Faces</i> (Salvador Dali) at the used bookstore.