Deja Vus, and other stories.

Yesterday I read and napped and found two people to cover shifts and biked and stretched doing amateur yoga (needed now after biking now I am getting strong muscles!) and I had a desire for the ocean, (though it was too choppy and crazy for little cook-ey me.) I left Molly at home so I could walk slowly, and let my bones soak up the static hum of the constant waves, I meditated on the rocks and the changing clouds like smoke signals. Searched the debris of civilization for patterns, the concrete rip rap like huge concrete runes flung and stuck in the sand where they landed.







Billy at Tioga with the board Barney shaped, that Billy painted


it was choppy but beautiful




After our evening at the windy Tioga avenue where the clouds were morphing above us fast as the churning waves we met Barney at English Ales, where they each have their own mugs. I had three Big Sur Pale Ales and crumbling veggie sandwich and fat french fried. I don't remember the last time I had french fries! Barney is building a train car for some mean rich guy and is having brass casting problems, I actually knew exactly what he was talking about with my dental lab experience. I said I can help, I have blow-torch holding experience! Barney put his gum on the edge of his mug and everyone stared at it when there was nothing to talk about.



Last night I had a dream I picked it off the mug and chewed it.
Also dreamed that I was in a pale blue iceworld, I was with strangers from the past in I don't know, like Neanderthal time. I looked around, we were in these crazy animal skins and fur, I was as fat as a seal from it, there was primitive but well done stitching throughout my warm coat. the boots! Ugg boots on PCP, I was walking in a line, we were traveling, through a gorge of pale blue ice, we were walking quietly, I could tell we were going a very long way, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I heard barking/howling, got scared for a second thinking of the coyotes, but when I turned in the direction there were gorgeous fluffy white and gray creatures, at least a dozen wolves. Wolves! Wherever I was I didn't want to leave, it was genuinely peaceful and lovely. THey were just passing through too and were curious about our line of humans like walking walruses. We were in a larger pack than they so they didn't try and intimidate us .Oh, it was beautiful. Then we came to a clearing, there was a sand box type of structure, but no sand just ice and dirt, things were melting now. There was someone in it on her side, shivering, wearing only a pink tank top and black pants. She was shivering violently, like she was going to die, or seiszuring. I walked to help her, and was shocked to see, that it was me. In my outfit I usually put on straight out of bed or the shower because I'm not a robe person but a yoga pants person. I grabbed me and rubbed my arms to warm me and tried to wake me up. It creeped me out more than anything to not be able to feel, even though I was in the form of someone else, I couldn't feel the hands trying to warm me, smacking my face trying to make me waken. Then I was in my normal body, waking up, and saw people dressed like Inuits walking away in a line with wolves play calling far away. What was that? I have to remember that dream, the beautiful ice. Must remember and write about that dream when you wake up. I watched them walking away, amazed, and wishing they told me what they knew, what they saw on their journey

Ugh I have to call around and find people to cover my weekend shifts. I hate phones.

when you want more than you have you think you need;
when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed

-from Eddie Vedder's 'Society'

went to bed at 7:30. Got up at 6:45

Billy is still home, Haven't seen him since I left the house early Saturday and he was sleeping, his grandpa Bill died yesterday.



This was taken at his 84th birthday in April, he was born on Santa Rosa road on his family's farm and had polio in one leg but it didn't stop him from taking over his father's Perry Auto successfully, he had three kids, loved cigarettes and sweets and got up early everyday to hang out at the shop on his stool long after he was retired. In his young days he fought many a man at the bars who flirted with his wife. Rest in peace Bill.

Started the day paying bills and figuring accounts out.

I have a massive amounts of things to express but I'm feeling clogged. writing, collaging, photography, sewing, ain't really satisfying enough, I need a canvas the size of our apartment walls and new music. I got the music part, at work there is an African music cd I got.

Bought extra light ash blonde hair dye but I've already changed my mind about the color and want to exchange it. I had a dream I was rubbing oils in my hair and it was long again, and I really was happy I grew it out, but when I woke up my hair was short again

Covering a shift tonight at the Marina store, that's one I haven't worked at yet.

My neck is killing me

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

Ended up going to dinner together last night, both our friends cancelled. It was great.
Today we're going to try tandem surfing? I'm bringing his underwater camera

Going out tonight. Can you believe that? Finally, thought, what am I waiting around for. Cheeah invited me out, I work with her, and worked with her when I was hired the first time. Goin' to the Crown to meet her and others. Billy usually goes out for beer with the surf bros in the evenings, I said guess what I"M GOING TNIGHT TOO! said oh, you going out? maybe I have time for both. Ha! And I took the Sue for her afternoon bicycle ride, and I rearranged Stuff & Things, and I had a cocktail, and I burnt sage, heavenly sage. I sewed some shirts but that didn't satiate, am gonna shoer, shave, plucking of the eyebrows, putting on of the makeup, painting of the nails---and sit in the garage to read, because that is the only corner of the house that gets light beyond 9 a.m., and I've always wanted to do that, watch the ice cream truck roll by with the flashy rims. Beneath to the right of the black widow against the ceiling, to the left of the bikes, with Molly tied up and laying on a blanket, and Simon strutting his stuff down the driveway. Then, I'm going to wake up because I will fall asleep in the perfect warmth, unless the fog rolls in early. I love days off.

The dolphins came out to say happy birthday, I hadn't seen them in so long. They didn't feel like flipping and somersaulting though, since they were following bait balls. I was tired, had a nap enough to keep me going past sunset, having opened, and having to open again the next day. BIlly had two bottles of wine to split though we mostly drank the red with all the Italian food he brought. & key lime pie bars for dessert. I'll remember the tourists girls who ran to the sea like they were in a music video and screamed in shock and pain at the cold, they guy who shy and giddy came to Billy and said he made his hands bleed trying to open beers did we have an opener? His girlfriend tucked in the iceplant in a nook waiting in a blanket, the words Billy said to me with tears forming in his beautiful eyes, he said special things but he also said I know you've been worried lately about me not loving you as much as I love surfing but its just that I can't love you any more than I already do, and it can't get any better than this so it's just a plateau.

Is that what happens after you've been together for ten years? There is no limit for me to expand in love with someone.

Like he wrote in my card my simple birthday celebration DID make me feel loved and nourished and it was just what I wanted and we were able to reconnect.







watched a sailboat ride the light instead of the wind


the other night at Tioga, Billy surfed and I read


I missed the shape shifting fog while we were in Colorado


That night I dreamed: First I became conscious in the dream kind of slowly, I was sitting in a circle of about five people, they were taking turns clockwise saying important random things. Me, still barely coming-to, had to give up my turn because I was out of it, but I started realizing what was going on when it was two people away from my turn again. Now I can't remember what exactly the guy said, but it was philosophizing by observation of people, and I had the feeling these people were now longer alive. They were all about the same age just a bit older than me, and dressed oddly but comfortable and I wondered who were all these cool people and where was I? Something pressing about the ceremonial way we were sitting, that said it was special and I ha better pay attention, there were objects in the middle but I can't remember what they were, then my turn came. I thanked them for inviting me and my ears were open then. I felt like they were happy with my just being there and I had their full support. Then I turn my head, there is a road in the middle of nowhere with a telephone pole stretching far away along the road next to peaceful hills. There is an ambulance parked in an abandoned way on the side of the road. It is warm and sunny and bright and completely windless and quiet and a little creepy. I run towards it and around the ambulance my gramma is just standing there, in one her 'house dresses' she says so seriously it makes me feel like I do not know her: "Stacey dear I'm getting very tired and lonely here and it's not going to be much longer before I go" She was way more alert and energetic than normal. I just accepted it and told her I loved her very much and then this person rode a bike by and was panicked and breathless, they needed help! They had a grocery list! They started reading things off like, get potatoes carrots and tomateos!, then I need to go here and here but it was life or death, and important to this person so I drove the ambulance about a hundred feet and they said okay right here please! I scratched my head I didn't help at all they jumped out of the ambulance, I got out too. My gramma was sitting on a ledge in the sun looking happy to herself. I heard gunshots, I looked up and there was Brett Grossini from high school, the good looking class clown that had way too much energy who could make anyone in any group laugh and feel like the most special person in school. He's in the Army Special Forces now, stationed in Afghanistan, grown a beard to fit in and apparently is having the time of his life with al that energy he has to burn. He visited Billy's house at Christmas when we were home, but I was sick and went to bed early and didn't get to see him. Tommy says he still keeps in touch with him and is fired up about some machine gun nicknamed 'the Breath of Allah' by the soldiers. Who would have thought hunting Osama Bin Laden would have been his perfect niche. Anyone in my dream he was straight faced and not happy, in his own world shooting this gun. He didn't seem to notice me running towards him screaming to stoop shooting, and the bullets went right through me, I realized then that I was dreaming, and didn't have to worry about the gun. So I followed him around, wondering what happened to him, his spirit looked broken, did I remember him being so gorgeous? I thought he had a beard, Tommy said he had a middle eastern look now where is it? But he was taller than I remember and wearing a cutoff shirt and looked more like a sixties soldier than one of our times. I just follwered around and felt him out, and never realized just how troubled, deep, and brave his spirit truly was and Billy said out of nowhere as he appeared behind me: Who I realized was following me around following Brett around trying to figure out what I was looking for: He said holy shit you guys go perfect together, and I looked at him, like yeah, some peoples stars are just crossed, and that's how it is, didn't you know? You can't say it will be one way because it has a life of its own and wants to go six ways at once. I followed Brett to an abandoned building against a hill, it looked like it had been a 6 sided building, I wondered what kind of festivals and carnivals that were held here and why it is forgotten about now. Feathers caught my eye: they were covering a wall beneath a ledge. I thought yeah right like I would find something of any importance, I already have feathers, and then all of a sudden the feathers were hanging lined up on the over hang like they were trying to get my attention. I walked over and was in awe, there were golden owl feathers, large brown feathers, pelican feathers, and blue heron feathers. There was light coming from inside the roof and up to the left, but I couldn't quite see. So I stuck my head in to see but spider webs kept me from jumping back. That's when my alarm went of at 2:45 a.m. and I thought of that dream over and over all day, the importance of it kept pressing on me, felt between states of consciousness all day. It was more vivid than I've had for a while.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!!!

& happy birthday to my birthday twin Richard!


*



slept horrible am opening have stories for later, it's a good day

I'm SO glad Billy fixed our bikes, Molly gets way more tired now and doesn't gilt-trip me quite as much. Except for when she sees a squirrel, on our way back the other day she tugged me too hard and I fell off my bike but caught myself and but she saw another and I wasn't ready and I fell on the bike and she dragged me down a a small dirt hill, but I don't have too many scratches amazing, since it was just dirt I guess, and those thistles with 5 or 6 spokes that get in her paws sometimes, they sting.

Watched Grand Torino last night, great story.
Billy made us fish tacos, he is a genius with food!
It was too busy at work for two people, poor Carol was in tears, one bar was working and we were out of everything and even though I left a line to the door constantly to make ice tea or a frappucino it wasn't enough.
Finally slept good.

Bike ride today and then work~

This is the room where your music was invented. Notice the cracked drumhead spiked to the wall, spiked to the wolfmother wallpaper about the corner sink where the wayward wife washed out her silk underpants, inspecting them in the blue seepage from the No Vacancy neon that flickered suspiciously out of the thin lizard dawn.

What room is this? This is the room where the antler carved the pumpkin. THis is the room where the gutter pipes drank the moonlight. THis is the room where moss gradually silenced the treasure, rubies being the last to go. Transmissions from insect antennae were monitored in this room. It's amazing how often their broadcasts referred to the starts.



--Skinny Legs and All

I needed solitude
There was a freak low tide at 7 so I got to sleep in till five thirty!
so drove to Point Pinos, watched a heron fish at the golf course, but didn't bring my zoom









look at all the muscles it's eating!



I'm a Cancer too, little guy


this was the other day



Had Thai Food last night at Deanna's, with white wine and fried banana and ice cream for dessert.
Before that we got back from a bike ride to East Garrison and back, Billy opened the garage door and an alligator lizard fell on my head: he said it was hanging perfectly dangling just above my forehead, it must have thought my hairs were tree branches. Before that, my eyes ached from crying because we got in a mini argument but it's fine now. At least his mistress is the sea and not some hoe. Even before that I took a quick nap with Molly Sue. Before that, I tried finishing my hair but I'm still a couple away. Before that I had two avocado sandwiches, and I'm about to have another, with Billy's amazing mouth burning chipotle sauce he makes. Before that I went thrift store shopping and got a pair of pants, a work shirt, wine glasses because I broke all ours and a coffee mug for work with two birds on it. Before that I bought avocados and salad stuffs and olive oil and eggs at the produce mart where we used to live. Before that I opened, I saw Florence! I forgot about her. She said she still has the postcard I sent her from Tahiti.

the back of my head is done, will finish after work today

Yesterday my first day back to the store I started at when we first moved to Monterey in 2003, I saw customers I hadn't seen since I left in 2005 and they still remembered my name. So far I love everyone that I work with it's a breath of fresh air.

And except for horrible cramps and nausea it was a great day

I remembered while I was away in the land of prairies and mountain weddings and lighting storms that I never did upload Gayle & Allyson's wedding photos to my flickr so here we go!!! Still my most favorite wedding.


http://www.flickr.com/photos/9621192@N02/sets/72157620032335714/

I have 20 minutes to finish my coffee, wash my face, get dressed, brush my teeth, type this post and rush off to work.

Technically yesterday was the last day my store was open for business, I have so many photos of regulars. today & tomorrow a handful of us our cleaning out and scrubbing the store that I opened with a different set of people almost two years ago. Billy is going to Santa Cruz today for surfing and a going a way party which I am bitter I cannot go to because our stupid end of store partner bowling party starts at 3, and I feel obligated. Words cannot describe the level of hate that I have for bowling alleys, I'm going to probably leave early since I will stink like I was sweating and cleaning with gross spirit cleanser all day.

The weather/my dreams have been so strange

Soon I will start dreadlocks my hair is bout ready

Every month Billy's grandpa sends a check to him for $50, just because, with a yellow post it note in the auto shop secretary's capitol's: Love you Billy, Love Grandpa Bill' (He's named after Grandpa Bill.)

Today I saw Billy looking funny at the usual envelope. Last night he woke me up screaming like a crazy person, I feered for Jeff & Lori & little Andrew upstairs--hasn't scared me that much in his sleep since the Sardine Man dream. He went to have some beers with Barney, after our walk. I turned on the rest of Benjamin Button, and had two glasses of wine and a salad with extra balsamic and avocado, relaxing after a chasing of the tail sort of day. I saw the post it note: "Billy, I'm sorry but there will be no more $50" I felt Billy's heart break from far away, because not of the money but of being away from his dying grandpa. Billy and I react very differently. I close up, blocking off more pain, expressing it throughout the rest of my life, as needed. Billy must be surrounded by people when he feels down, and I could never understand that. It's one of the few things we don't agree on. Death for me is super metaphysical, everything we know and don't know, just another level of consciousness, the place where dreams are born from. Death for him is very biological and different. I just think afterlife {and life} are beyond religion and space, and cannot be put into a box. I can't say anything more, because then it veers off into science one way and art the other and I was born to start in the middle.



We have the tickets, I have the dress, we have the hotel bookings and someone upstirs to watch Simon our gray feline guy.

Billy came home in the middle of me writing this, feeling pretty good, I know how to give him space he needs to have his own zen moments. I demonstrated how the shoes I got today just don't look right with the bridesmaid dress, before I knew it I was on him and I'll be lucky if the dress is only wrinkled.

Yesterday after I left work this happened, next to my store on the corner



Garret, Tina & Cory were working, they said people came out of the woodwork to buy frappucinos for their kids and sit and watch. What is wrong with people. He said it took three hours for them to extricate the driver of the honda. Said there was so much blood everywhere. There is still staining all over the street when I observed all the tire marks, it must have sounded like the Titanic going down.

Just had weird FEELINGS lately, all the weirdest customers have appeared and I wonder where all these aliens have come from, this guy walked in the other day, put a big stack of boxes on the counter where I was making drinks, opened one: knives spread out "Do you want a deal on knives?" Are you kidding. "I only make $9 an hour, so no thanks." Full moon, just new it. Oh it's been a beauty setting over the peninsula the last couple mornings, too-big for the landscape and oval yellow, listening to Guku by Xavier, perfect pairing.

Last night's dream:After waiting my turn for so long I finally was able to tour a museum, there were cultural artifacts in the first room, I was sad I could only walk by how could I decide my direction so quickly? then there were fossils, and pieces of animals, and then there was more normal looking gemstones and beautiful samples of stones and rocks and minerals, and then in the last room there was a bed. I was motivated to clean out that room, there were piles of notebooks, tore out all the old writings from past classes, got to the floor and found an old cat food/water holder, I thought so THAT's where it's been! But in real like I have never had one like it. I went back to the table with fossils of nautalis shells and distinct corals,

This morning was a good open. People don't particularly like the camera aimed at them first thing Monday morning. It's been an interesting experiment though, women rarely let me take their pictures, the squeel and make a big deal and cover there mouths. Which is funny since women have on sunglasses, makeup, jewelry, they are dressed to be looked at AND have layers of masks on and still are self conscious. Unless they're with a boyfriend or a kid.

Billy's grampa is in the hospital so we might got home tomorrow instead of Wednesday. That's fine with me. Today was my last shift until the 17th!!!!

I feel weird though. Taking pictures of friendly half strangers has done something, I let someone in too far, my spirit feels clodded with all the energy left from people's eyes, and the foggy day. Took 2 rolls of film to Myrick, one roll won't be ready for a week, but until then I'll have contributions to our customer wall of fame collage that we'll put above the condiment bar~ Had awkward interaction with egotistical snobbish local photographer in Myrick, bugged the crap out of me couldn't figure out why he seemed offended by me.

I'm now going to eat salad, fold laundry watching the rest of Benjamin Button, clean house, pack.

my pewter bridesmaid dress


Simon, mid-meow. My truck in the cultasac


The view of the Mexican market that I will miss from my Starbucks


Tropical weather lately, weird. The sun setting over the Fort Ord Dunes by the sea


Billy caught no fish last night but I envied his perfect weathered evening at the beach, I closed with Jen; Billy and I took Molly for a night walk and I got to bed late, the sun woke us up this morning---- no fog? What kind if June is this. Laundry is going, reggae is on, got my coffee and peanut butter toast, I shall clean and then got to work at noon, and Barney is coming over tonight, Billy is going to cook fish tacos with fish from our freezer from the bay.