Deja Vus, and other stories.

esoterian @ 2009-11-23T18:59:00

2009-11-24T02:59:36Z

Took the day off from routine today. Except for laundry, cleaning cooking...
I wrote, I connected with myself, i read, and I've come to some satisfying revelations~

I'm doing a 180 here. Everyone's going to think I'm crazy, stupid, or some variation.

I am reminded of what is important, and what matters at the end of the day, at the end of a life, and I'm not waiting till New Year's to change mine

my latest foavorites

2009-11-21T16:23:29Z

esoterian @ 2009-11-20T06:59:00

2009-11-20T14:59:22Z

Billy wakes up everyday at 4:30 and is surfing by 6, there is still frost in the dark.

We are getting a Different Friend, Billy's mom's vet friend saved her from being killed. She is a ten pound terrier mix her name is Lily but I'll probably call her Lucy since Lilly sounds like Molly. We pick her up next week!

Schedule of classes ready to sign up for Spring semester, 17 units

esoterian @ 2009-11-16T08:27:00

2009-11-16T16:28:25Z

I was going to post but I don't know what to write, I'm lonely. What do you do when you're lonely?

esoterian @ 2009-11-14T08:40:00

2009-11-14T16:41:26Z

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9621192@N02/

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO HERE FOR MY NEW PHOTOS!!! I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET PHOTO PROPERTIES WITH THIS NEW KEYBOARD.

Yesterday: did not have class OR work, that NEVER happens!!! I cleaned the house. And cleaned out my binder of writings and painting ideas, re-establishing my goals and making room for them.

I am still preparing for a university transfer in a yearish, with a major in Visual and Public Arts Museum concentration with a minor in creative writing. I have a ways to go but I'm doing it, somehow.

There is a fierce wind, it is getting colder.

When Billy came home we went to Hula's for appetizers and Mai Tais, and walked around cannery Row. Went in fine art galleries and Indian trading posts. Tried to stay awake for music but we had Ghiradeli's sundays and a sugar crash.

Bought 2 cards by this lady http://anahata.typepad.com/

I pretty much would have a house with stuff in it just like that if I had money! Wow
But I love her art and found a card with artwork of a profile of a dreadlocked woman that I fell in love with so.
I had wanted really bad to dread my hair again the last week, I'm fighting the urge trying to channel therapy in different ways: the camera, the paints, the writing. I need to have longer regular hair for a while before I do dreadlocks again, I hated having short hair and if I do them now it will be short again.

esoterian @ 2009-11-10T08:08:00

2009-11-10T16:13:08Z

Now that midterms are over I have a bit of time to upload the many photos I've taken the last few weeks, but all I have is my slow 2003 laptop, the keyboard is broken on the Mac.

I have been both reborn with trying to use my camera, and the more I do the more I think what I would like to paint.

To begin with life feels extremly unbalanced right now, my diet is terrible, my sleep is all messed up, my bady feels weak and atrphying from lack of exercise and too much sitting in class etc. My credit card is 1,000 in debt and Christmas is coming up and also signing up for spring.

I need rejuevenation

esoterian @ 2009-11-09T19:13:00

2009-11-10T03:42:48Z

I can never forgive myself for the death of my Molly.
She trusted us with her life and she protected us to a fault
and was the smartest sweetest dog I've ever seen and I hate myself.
I always thought, if she attacks someone again or something
that I would run away with her and find a safe place for her...
It's not fucking fair. Abused animals don't get many chances
her gang tattoo on her stomach,
her multiple trips to the SPCA
and we fell in love and said we would never be the ones to give her up, you won't have to go through that again, honey-heart.

What happened was, we came back from a walk in the woods, Billy was carrying stuff and I had her on the leash and the camera and the gulf club, we both thought the other close the backyard gate. I let her off the leash in the kitchen, we were walking around for about 2 minutes putting stuff away, and then we heard a squeeling sound and people yelling and we looked at each other shit where's Molly.
Molly had a little dog in her mouth and people were freaking out and Billy had Molly on the ground and the people rushed off to the vet and came back to present us with a bill. Their dog is fine it didn't go to thru to the organs.
But Molly had a dark side where she would silently stalk and then leap like a snake and visiously, attack
She did it to a random guy on our first walk before we started watching the Dog Whisperer and applying techniques
She did it to Billy's friend when he barely got out of the car camping, and attacked a dog that same trip, everyone said then that we should put her to sleep. We were heartbroken but made a pact to be in total control all the time and Molly improved SO MUCH!!! IT KILLS US!!!!!!!!
Why we were lucky and it was not the kid I baby sit (who she lundged at once after a walk but I jerked her back with the choke chain)or the two year olds running around usually or another person---I don't know.

We could be in much deeper shit now
But, damn. It hurts like nothing else

Where am I sicker and sadder, in the car driving when I talk to her and cry, at night when I lay awake and she isn't there to growl at the coyotes who scream at midnight, when I am doing laundry or dishes and she's not following me from room to room wagging her tail guilt tripping me for not taking her for a walk asap, when I study and she's not using her nose to push the swivel chair around, when she goes into my sock drawer to find a pair of socks to drop at my feet, when she pushes doors shut with her nose when you tell her to, when I take naps against her chest with her arms around my shoulders, when I give her the last bite of my breakfast and she will do anything, when I say'what do you smell?' and she sniffs the air, when she chases something in the woods and no one ever had a bigger smile.

My special friend is gone and I can't stand it
I regret it so much and can't stand it.
There is always that choking feeling in my throat and a sinking feeling in my heart
I fall asleep praying and crying and wake up feeling like a murderer, a backstabber

I try not to think of tricking her into being a good girl and allowing them to give her the shots that would kill her

Oh my god! We watched her get woosy and fall
a fallen heroine, I hated it more than anything in the world

And rubbed her
I try not to think of how she licked nervously, as she used to do
but then she couldn't get her toungue back in her mouth and she was probably confused and hurt---was I that bad? Don't you love me? Don't you want me?

And we kept rubbing her
her toungue stuck to the blanket turned purple
the kind, gentle vet lady put the stephascope on Molly Sues perfect, young chest that wasn't heaving at all and said, 'she's gone'

I try not to think about her body being burned now, how she is no longer and we will pick up her ashes soon, how we can't do anything to make her happy anymore.

I try to think instead I hope we erased her bad memories of a sad beginning to a short life, that we gave her bliss and love even if we could not live on a ranch so she do nothing but fight coyotes and chase squirrels.

We miss her so much and cry all the time and that is all I have to say right now.

esoterian @ 2009-11-09T06:47:00

2009-11-09T15:09:41Z

The coyotes hogged the night.
Right here, right where we enter the woods,
plural coyotes, singing their hunting prayers,
they sang like wolves in love or wishing they were.
Up at the window where Molly used to growl
I watched the woods for words:
A perfect half-moon bit its lip
at the prime autumn chill,
deleayed cultasac echo caught
nocturnal tunes.

In my light sleep:
Went out to spy on the hunting soprano
Saw a wolf obvious as a shining full moon
stalking a stupid cat, turning it's blue persian eyes at me.
The prettiest creature I've ever seen
it leapt at the cat and shook it. Shoot it like it was a fish on a hook
I couldn't look
I ran to the room to wake Billy and saw from the window
the cat was gone and
the wolf stared through me
through the window
through the dark

esoterian @ 2009-11-03T06:05:00

2009-11-03T14:08:19Z

Molly's been dead six days, we got a card last night from the vet with her paw print in ink and two little baggies of her black and white fur: one labled above the heart and one labled behind the ear.
I am still beside myself with sadness and feel just sick and awful am trying so hard to stay afloat with school all I can think about is Molly Sue is gone.
I'll be back when midterms is over this week sometime to write about it and post the last pictures, now i have to do a French presentation I haven't been able to study in a week and a half since this nightmare began

This past week: walks

2009-10-18T17:32:56Z

The woods:

The beach:

The home:

how the staircase looks in my dreams

Especially when it's stormy, do we walk along the beach, with no one there, it is how it was before civilization. And we started going for walks (together) into the woods again, one day when firetrucks whined by, the coyotes howled at it, and so we knew where they were, and did not walk into that direction. BIlly has been cooking and feeding me just too well I don't deserve him! He makes the best caesar dressing in the world. There is so much garlic and lemon juice you hardly realize you spent time chewing a big piece of red onion. And the night walks! We saw an owl, bigger than a large fat cat, perched on a swingset, and I took a picture but it is out of focus and like someone soaked it in kinky water for a day.

from Saturday & Monday

2009-10-14T15:56:27Z

after work last night we went to Charlie & Christines'

2009-10-10T16:41:03Z

Driving on Imjin, my dirty windsheild...

Fresh tomatoes at Charlie & Christine's

me and Billy

Every weekend since Barney built this one of a kind artisan bar-b-q
Billy would go to Carlie's and they would barbq the fish they caught during the week
I NEVER get to go I ALWAYS have to work because that's the ONLY times I work so I HAVE TO
ANd but they finally had one when I could go :)
We qu'ed up white bass and halibut Billy caught at Gaviota on oak wood from our woods
And drank white wine and pale ales, and listened to music and talked about Their trip to Spain.
Barney is a welder. Charlie is an optometrist. Christine is a heart surgeon's nurse
She didn't feel that great, she drank tea and the steam was backlit by the setting sun over the peninsula through the big kitchen window. They live on a hill in seaside where they can see the whole bay and their house is full of light, with wood floors and pastel walls and handmade furniture. Made me feel like I live in a cafeteria cabinet

esoterian @ 2009-10-08T09:16:00

2009-10-08T16:28:16Z

from Tuesday

A string of insomniac nights plagued me this past week, last night was the night I finally slept without recurring massive tidal wave dreams. I'm school obsessed but have been trying to squeeze in the arts here and there, I lay awake at night coming up with ideas for photos and poems and have found what I was looking for within me. I have to get to class, won't be back till this evening, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my full school days.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

esoterian @ 2009-10-03T08:36:00

2009-10-03T15:38:51Z

{I am currently resurrecting, reinventing}

esoterian @ 2009-09-27T11:08:00

2009-09-27T18:08:56Z

This reanaissance after those battles in my heart!

esoterian @ 2009-09-24T09:31:00

2009-09-24T16:48:49Z

Home for the weekend---- Saturday fished off Gaviota with Billy, his dad, & LInc. Had beers. Caught fish. Hung my butt off boat to pee a few times.

Dominick with Daphne

Rach & Lodi

Raya, Lorenzo, Dominick, Ruby

Billy, Rachel, Lodi, Me and the twins

http://www.flickr.com/photos/9621192@N02/sets/72157622322023549/
go here for the rest! They're such cutie pies. I have to get a shower and go to class

tagged by MORNINGLORYBLUE

2009-08-23T16:14:58Z

*First if you've been tagged you must write your answers in your own lj and replace any question you dislike with a new, original question *Second, tag 8 people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag the person who tagged you.

I didn't change any q's...

Lots of pillows or just one?
2, one for underneath my head and one on top of my ear. Or, one on either side of my head if I'm on my back

What kind of books do you read?
history, poetry, spirituality, authors like Tom Robbins and other clever writers currently reading Blink and Dreamwork of the Iroquois & textbooks.

What are your most awesome skills?
Empathy, the arts which my energy is sort of scattered in at the moment, reading people

What's your occupation?
Starbucks barista

What's really creepy?
black widows, being stalked by coyotes, certain people

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
meditation, organization, keeping manicures and pedicures because I can't have painted nails at work. I'm so excited school starts and I have a few days off in a row from work---I got different shades of red nail polish, the only nail polish color. Collecting feathers, and writing down my dreams.

What flavor ice cream would you choose right now?
Cookies and Cream! The full-fat Dryers kind

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Livejournal, Facebook, Flickr, Monterey Peninsula College, that's it lately I haven't been online much at all.

What was the last thing you bought?
Gas & groceries

What was the cutest thing you've seen today?
Molly Sue waiting for her bite of my peanut butter toast this morning

Do you get cravings? If so, what do you crave?
I crave pasta, spicy burn your mouth full of garlic and red pepper and lemon juice pasta

What do you do to change your mood?
go for a walk on the beach

What is your zodiac sign?
Cancer

Do you want to learn another language?
Not really but I have to for school so I'm starting to learn French

Five things you can't live without.
Nature, Billy and my pets, writing, beauty, love, freedom

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
I wish I could tell some a-hole customers that they act like children and I wish I could just say, fine your drink is going to the end of the line. But I just say thank you for your patience, even though they're not being patient

What are you looking forward to?
school starting on Monday, being organized, making changes

Say something to the person who tagged you:
Dear Gayle, I can't wait for you two to become parents, I have my fingers crossed for you!
Also You and Allyson are some of the most special I've ever met and I wish we all lived closer!!

I tag:
wistfl
somesimplicity
passivemile
oceancurrents
__bin
boysname
atomeyes
lunchforlucy

esoterian @ 2009-08-22T20:30:00

2009-08-23T04:31:48Z

I don't know where to begin, really, some things happening between people I know in my life sadden my heart, other things make me fall in love with people I hardly know at all. I'll stay away from those issues, the issues that I cannot do anything about, common people issues, dying dog issues, fighting family issues, dumb customer issues.

Dreaming
At some point I began religiously recording my dreams in the morning in my sacred new leather dream journal which I got the last time we were at Nepenthe. Handwritten, with sketches of people who follow me around in a dream or who are so vividly there that I cannot ignore them. The dreams are constant and vivid and bizarre as dreams are, but I am visiting real places and places I have had other dreams at and just once you write them down you remember more of it and begin to see things within things in the dream. It allows me to dream even more the next night. It has been quite a trip everytime I fall asleep, I feel healed by other people in some dreams, I help others in other dreams, my head has made up about ten painting ideas that I just can't ignore. In one special lucid astral travelling case I was coming out of sleep, I could tell I was in sleep paralysis, therefore I did not want to go back to my body yet because I hate that type of severe paralysis, and so I was floating around the room (it was just me and Molly that night) I got bored of that and sat next to Molly even though she was asleep (finally she kept waking me up because skunks and coyotes were causing a ruckus all night) . I was about the size and shape of an eyeball. I found the spirit of a bird and watched it fly around the room. It flew, and changed into a crow, then a bluebird, then a blue heron, I was enthralled, and then I came into my body very annoyed to be back. Writing these things down first thing have kept me sane throughout the day instead of wondering what my night was all about, when I should be thinking if The customer said they did or didn't want room for cream in their coffee. THe subconscious world has been very very good to me the last few weeks.

I've sort of ditched my camera, it hasn't been working that great and that worries me because I'm supposed to be helping Rob with a wedding in September, I can't afford to have it sent in. I figured once it died, I'd get serious about painting. FOr having worked as much as I have been I've had a surprising amount of peace and solitude, I better have since I didn't do one social thing this summer except for go to Barney's house. I cleaned my truck out, I cleaned my closet, I cleaned the laundry room, every room of the house every week, the office and the dinning room both places I will study. I have my running shoes washed and a duffel bag full of running/hiking clothes and toiletries for those days when I need to run around the track or take a point lobos hike. I have a big new lunch box and I washed out all my coffee and tea tumblers and bought new pens and my favorite mechanical pencils, my binder is ready and my mind is ready.

(Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays I have U.S. History for one hour; Tuesdays & THursdays I have French 1 for two hours, Math for two and a half, and HIstory of Western Art 2 for two hours. Tuesday nights I babysit for 3 hours, and Fridays thru Sundays I will work at Starbucks.)

This is just a supernova and a heart I found in some vegetables one day, I had to work that into this post somehow

One day after a long two day close-then come in at 6 and sork overtime too shifts, I picked up Molly and some clothes and my camera and my dream journal and filled my truck with gas and drove four hours to meet Billy way down south along the 1. He was planning a four day surf/camp trip with the bros but the first night he was alone and therefore I could come ( I had off that next day) IT was the Concorso Elegance the stupidist display of egos in the whole yearlong, I never met any elegant people. Arrogant, not Elegant. So I got stuck for an our in Carmel near the Pebble BEach exit breathing deisel fuel coming off those lamburginis and feraris. I don't even know how to spell those, I guess I'm not elegant either. But at least I"m not an asshole.

The Santa Cruz fire burned that day and the wind blew it past Big Sur, we were in the Los Padres National Forest closer to Cambria and Lake Nacimiento, in the eerie ghosts of what forest was burnt last year, when we lit the fire to eat that night it was both too hot for a fire and we didn't notice the oakwood smell because it was already all around us the whole drive to Ponderosa. Literally on one side of that little stream everything was charred, and the other it was fine. The entire ride up that long winding road east and south I played Shiver loudly, over and over and over, a fine meditation, and the whole way down that mountain the next morning, Xavier bounced off the LUcia mountains, HOme on repeat, nothing else could have fit more perfectly. No musician knows my heart better that Xavier. He must have lived in special places like Big Sur to be able to say the things he says. I think I have to explore Australia someday.

I had the most drugged, delicious sleep. We ate drank and fell asleep on our sleeping bags by the fire, with the dog under the stars away from people under a big old black oak tree that saw acorn harvest of Ohlones probably ( I just finished reading The Ohlone Way) I saw shooting stars when I woke up and it was cooler and the fire died down and an owl hooted all night and things rustled in the bushes that Molly growled at but never investigated. I laid awake for a long time, smelling the smoke, looking at the dark, in the middle of the wilderness, so happy and ditached, everything making so much sense and I sure wrote about my thoughts then. Fear, spirit, love, life, I was home I always feel so good in BIg Sur I was so at home there I didn't want that night under the stars to end.

I"m not done, but I'm not making much joy and sense out of all this second hand stuff and my left hand hurts because I burnt it pretty good

esoterian @ 2009-08-22T10:15:00

2009-08-22T17:22:10Z

<currently carbo loading, so that when I bleed soon I will not pass out.) So much to say! school starts Monday I CANT WAIT I've already read a chapter for History and one of the extra books he required there have been fires and sleeping under the stars and journeys thru myself that I just can't explain yet There was the coyote howling, keeping us out of the woods, right there by our yard Forgot to mention my epiphany was I must go into Native American History more specifically. more later I have to go make frappucinos.

esoterian @ 2009-08-05T11:09:00

2009-08-05T18:37:26Z

Billy talked the kayak lady into letting him keep them past Sunday so that I could actually go like we planned!!! It was, incredible. We kayaked around Carmel Bay north of Point Lobos over the submarine trench teaming with life windless warm calm quiet, there are no words.

I had spent all day cleaning and rearranging things, so that I will feel sane enough to do homework in the office. So that we would feel comfortable enough in the dining room to eat there. We realize when Barney was here, we never ever used the dining room to eat we always eat in the living room so we could watch tv

We both agreed, no more of that, we want to eat together, looking at each other and talking, at an actual table.
So last night we ate at 10:30 over candles and with white wine we had some of the big old rockfish Barney caught the other day. There was so much visual adventure from the hours kayaking on the ocean that the thought of a flickering tv was so pointless and ugly. Slept okay, my shoulders and abs are killing me, although my legs are still hungover from hiking and bike-riding so it was nice to give them a break.

Soon it became too dark for clarity between my moving kayak and the camera. But the full moon rose over the hills, I could read her face. It bled onto the water in monochrome. THe seals and dolphins weaved in and out of the black glass, I started talking to the moon and the water and wishing there were still Ohlone/Esalen Indian communities undisturbed by Us., because I would run away to live with them in huts along the Carmel River, they would know what to do with all these dreams.

esoterian @ 2009-08-04T10:33:00

2009-08-04T18:17:50Z

hiked 3 hours last night

2009-08-02T00:19:12Z

We found the sun, it was hiding at Garapata!
We climbed above the fog to see

**

*

esoterian @ 2009-07-30T10:53:00

2009-07-30T18:03:22Z

It was 4:45 am when Molly woke us because she had to Go
I rose and opened the back door for her, she was taking a long time so I crawled back into the bed, left door open for her.

Laid there.

Heard suddenly, that terrifying sudden gurgly sick throaty howl right outside our bedroom window where our yard is next to. I had heard that sound as close the time we stumbled upon their den in the woods where they chased Molly Sue and I for half an hour howling that scary bark/howl behind us through the obstacle course through the middle of oak and poison oak. THen Molly barked and attacked the fence rattling it, Billy ran out to get her in and I looked outside, two coyotes sprinted away from our backyard fence, one was beautiful and white and the other darker, one ran off to the woods the other into the next cultasac, I think they were Queen of the memorial loop's two kids, they're still there, even when they're not making noises that creeps me out.

Painting, where have you been my whole life??

2009-07-30T17:50:24Z

this morning

my pirate's booty from last night

my dreamy fisherman

the lights of the shopping center where I work beneath highway 1 next to the giant sand dune that people write messages in with debris

It was a good, long workday. Went to Barney's for beer and he made soup just for me since I don't eat sausage, but him and Billy had sausage, and we all had beer. Foggy. Can't remember the last time I saw the sun sink in the sea. It looks like 7a.m. all day long. While I'm working, and bored while customers ask dumb questions and fight with their messy purses to find debit cards, I think how gross it looks outside the windows in the parking lot, it looks the way the thing sounds that the dentist puts under your tongue to suck out all the spit. But it feels better than it looks, it feels like a cold sauna, like walking at night in a disneyland ride, like vacations in humid places. The beach is usually empty, because people overlook beauty not spotlit by sunshine. More solitude for us then. There was an abundance of bird skulls, but no caught fish, and the antique dump is excreting the most beautiful colors of sea glass and pottery from days when there was only black and white film, from the days when the first booms of sardines were probably eaten off in the times of the Canneries. It satisfies my inner archaeologist, I'm totally going start collecting sanded chunks of pottery past for a someday mosaic something. The bird skulls? I have some ideas~

I finally was able to finally paint something. I think the last time I painted anything I was in 3rd or 4th grade, it didn't turn out how I wanted but it's a good start. I like the many things a single paintbrush can do, but I'm not so sure about watercolors, I think I'll try acrylic. Immensely satisfying. I painted blue wings

esoterian @ 2009-07-28T10:54:00

2009-07-28T18:15:03Z

After the Mecca to Big Sur
Where Billy rode small waves by the Molera Rock
I talked to a crow
and fell asleep reading;
woke up to a dozen horses walking by,
carrying tourists on their backs with mexican blankets and saddles.
The smell of dry chaparal in summer
But the wind! Kept fog off the land
cooled us off on our hike back to the highway.

Nepenthe, too crowded and expensive
we used our anniversary money on wine and appetizers and beer,
and jasmine incense and a leather bound handmade journal
I hold every time I visit but never buy.
Billy said he wanted to get me a pendant
of glass encased butterfly wings, which I loved,
but was twice as much as the journal.
I love how he thinks of me when he sees wings

Later we went to Barney's
There was another feast, he bought
silverware for the occasion
Although I think chopsticks are fine.
I was falling asleep by eight or was it nine?
Surf films are so soothing and I always
have great dreams after watching one
LIfe in a temporary waterfall cave flying.
Alarm at 2:45 am.

*