Deja Vus, and other stories.

when you want more than you have you think you need;
when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed

-from Eddie Vedder's 'Society'

went to bed at 7:30. Got up at 6:45

Billy is still home, Haven't seen him since I left the house early Saturday and he was sleeping, his grandpa Bill died yesterday.



This was taken at his 84th birthday in April, he was born on Santa Rosa road on his family's farm and had polio in one leg but it didn't stop him from taking over his father's Perry Auto successfully, he had three kids, loved cigarettes and sweets and got up early everyday to hang out at the shop on his stool long after he was retired. In his young days he fought many a man at the bars who flirted with his wife. Rest in peace Bill.

Started the day paying bills and figuring accounts out.

I have a massive amounts of things to express but I'm feeling clogged. writing, collaging, photography, sewing, ain't really satisfying enough, I need a canvas the size of our apartment walls and new music. I got the music part, at work there is an African music cd I got.

Bought extra light ash blonde hair dye but I've already changed my mind about the color and want to exchange it. I had a dream I was rubbing oils in my hair and it was long again, and I really was happy I grew it out, but when I woke up my hair was short again

Covering a shift tonight at the Marina store, that's one I haven't worked at yet.

My neck is killing me

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

Every month Billy's grandpa sends a check to him for $50, just because, with a yellow post it note in the auto shop secretary's capitol's: Love you Billy, Love Grandpa Bill' (He's named after Grandpa Bill.)

Today I saw Billy looking funny at the usual envelope. Last night he woke me up screaming like a crazy person, I feered for Jeff & Lori & little Andrew upstairs--hasn't scared me that much in his sleep since the Sardine Man dream. He went to have some beers with Barney, after our walk. I turned on the rest of Benjamin Button, and had two glasses of wine and a salad with extra balsamic and avocado, relaxing after a chasing of the tail sort of day. I saw the post it note: "Billy, I'm sorry but there will be no more $50" I felt Billy's heart break from far away, because not of the money but of being away from his dying grandpa. Billy and I react very differently. I close up, blocking off more pain, expressing it throughout the rest of my life, as needed. Billy must be surrounded by people when he feels down, and I could never understand that. It's one of the few things we don't agree on. Death for me is super metaphysical, everything we know and don't know, just another level of consciousness, the place where dreams are born from. Death for him is very biological and different. I just think afterlife {and life} are beyond religion and space, and cannot be put into a box. I can't say anything more, because then it veers off into science one way and art the other and I was born to start in the middle.



We have the tickets, I have the dress, we have the hotel bookings and someone upstirs to watch Simon our gray feline guy.

Billy came home in the middle of me writing this, feeling pretty good, I know how to give him space he needs to have his own zen moments. I demonstrated how the shoes I got today just don't look right with the bridesmaid dress, before I knew it I was on him and I'll be lucky if the dress is only wrinkled.

I am tired of waking up at 3:30 and tired of rude customers and my boss driving the store into the ground I'm sure most people are.

School makes me feel fat and tired and achy. THese days coffee + alcholhol both put me to sleep or wake me up the same :/

I'm jealous of Billy's freedom to walk Molly twice a day for me so she doesn't pull the blanket off me when I'm studying and writing essays; and even when he jumps in the cold ocean twice a day. He did rescue me though a couple times in the past week and we made it to the sea on the rare 2 days when you could see the sun set, and now it's back to rain, at least it's humid and warm, that's nice, but I miss Big Sur

Noteworthy: we had beers in the dunes of Tioga Avenue. We heard a sound, it sounded like cheering or yelling. It was a man racing downhill towards the sea with his arms in the air screaming and howling. He was howling like a wolf, continuously, out of passion and discipline both, the sun had just set behind the peninsula, and it was like he was setting it's spirit free. At first we thought, Crazy Guy! Then it sounded beautiful like singing, and we watched him for the span of a whole beer, he never stopped. It reminded me of a scene in John Steinbeck's To A God Unknown. Fabulous short eerie novel for nature lovers and history lovers alike.

Pro, cra-st-in, tion!



































the man who howled at the setting sun

Mom stayed Thursday night thru Sunday afternoon: ate a lot and drank a lot, and wine tasted but on on the beach after we stopped and got some. After that Billy went surfing and I decided to go watch and we saw all these people playing in the water (with no wetsuits) right in the rip tide. Oh tourists. Oh inlanders. Later Billy saw his friend Barney struggling and paddled over and ended up helping him save this guy from drowning. I got pictures but really bad ones because I was way up the beach.

Billy turned 28 on the 2nd; after work we went out for Thai food and then met Barney at the brewery. Barney said he couldn't sleep that night and couldn't stop thinking about the drowning guy situation: His mom drowned in a jacuzzi and his two uncles drowned off the east coast in a boat.

I'm not cutting because I'm in a big hurry

me in a hole in the woods


communion of the woods: miner's lettuce. My mom was squeemish


our yard


fort ord dunes




my mom's shot of us on the beach




Billy, Marnina


Barney & Billy saving the flailing around pulled out to sea guy


they were all wishing they would have stayed home and watch the super bowl instead.


I'll update on school later in the week and check and see how everyone else is doing: I have homework to do and a Molly Sue to walk.....

as requested by Peta~

me, age five. 1987 I believe


Billy I'm not sure how old


The summer I turned 13, my sister and I at Sea World


Before he was a surfer he was a lineman and part time sponge boarder. His junior year, when I was a freshman and didn't know him yet


His senior prom, May 15 1999. Half an hour before we officially met and had our first date (is that a high school progress report on the refrigerator? haha)


now it's Robin's and Richard's turn ;)

A couple of weeks ago, I got my hair done. It took five hours and $250 and I think I looked better with dreadlocks. But I have plans for a change again. Hair salons are boring and they have stupid brain numbing magazines.

It's been raining for a good few days and night in a row, peaceful, damp fresh air, I have been going on hour walks but haven't ran since Tuesday--

Been working, picked up my books for school, Billy's cooked some good meals this week, If it weren't for him I'd live off of coffee, vitamins, peanut butter and toast.



~

Drove to class.
Class was cancelled.
Gave a guy a ride home,
ate, had a beer
drew but the drawing sucks I need a ruler
messy kitchen and alarm set for five.
Molly Sue is mad at me we only had one rainy walk today.
Billy got beat up by his $99 Ebay board, one of the fins broke off on his kidneys
He's home now with our parents and I'm getting sleepy

2 day old dreadlocks. Yes the forth time wil be a charm, each lock represents a different goal



I am tired and have to work long early days the next few

Billy worked at midnight in a Salinas field water ditch last night and I was awake after the midnight alarm. Molly growled at the owls singing to us and yet they kept singing.

Molly Sue & I encountered 3 coyotes face to face at 40 or so feet, I had to finally use the golf club I always drag along. I stood still at the top of the dirt road and swung it in half circles above my head. They moved in slowly. I stood still never run one of them is okay but not a pack. THen I yelled, assertive but not panicked they say. We turned and walked down the little hill. When I turned they were all trotting after us, so I repeated the ritual and still they followed but panting, it was hot, three of them combed the road for our scent, and once we were over the next hill and they couldn't see us anymore we sprinted home. HEnce I began running again.

Well. Goodnight I've had the strangest dreams

I don't have many photos of me and Billy so my sister brought this up with her, from her January trip, when she as pregnant but didn't yet know it. I still had my dreadlocks. Mr Hanky 2 in background, pre license plates




And Billy this afternoon with his other bitch~



:D

Billy just paid off his truck. It broke this week, something his dad can't fix, $1600
so this weekend we're gonna have a sale! My flute, his surfboards, my car.

my final Grades!
OCEN2 4.0 B
ANTH2 3.0 B
ART2 4.0 A



Saturday: Had the day off and Billy took me and Molly Sue out deep in the Carmel Valley for a new hiking spot he found sampling one of the rivers.



8 miles roundtrip, I have been told NO TAN LINES so I had on a long sleeved shirt that was too hot. Except for when we took off all our clothes by the river in the sun and made Molly stay on the other side of the rocks.



Beer and beandip for lunch and Molly swam for what we thought was the first time (and was terrified)



and I slipped in deep water and both Holgas around my neck got submerged but I save my digital at least!



Sunday was a long eight hour day we probably had fifty people come in all day, I had waaaay too many pastries and a shots of espresso to pass the time. When I got to my cell phone there was a message from the photographer, Rob, to go along and help out with a Pebble BEach wedding (!!!) That was bigger than normal for one man to photograph, he said sorry last minute and I was probably working at Starbucks Sunday morning but he thought he'd try anyway! I'm so bummed I missed it! But I'm happy he's thinking of me for the job....

I slept SO GOOD last night and had crazy lucid flying dreams, where I was in the oak forest with Molly & Simon and they were following me on the ground as I flew around the trees. I got so good at landing on branches. And sex dreams, and hiking dreams.



Today I have mosquito bites everywhere and could be poison oak on m legs there. Oh it's driving me nuts. I need more coffee. The house is a mess; today is my last day off before the big weekend! so much to do.

Ta Da! (Mr Hanky poses with my new plates)



(  + others of lately +  )