Deja Vus, and other stories.

when you want more than you have you think you need;
when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed

-from Eddie Vedder's 'Society'

went to bed at 7:30. Got up at 6:45

Billy is still home, Haven't seen him since I left the house early Saturday and he was sleeping, his grandpa Bill died yesterday.



This was taken at his 84th birthday in April, he was born on Santa Rosa road on his family's farm and had polio in one leg but it didn't stop him from taking over his father's Perry Auto successfully, he had three kids, loved cigarettes and sweets and got up early everyday to hang out at the shop on his stool long after he was retired. In his young days he fought many a man at the bars who flirted with his wife. Rest in peace Bill.

Started the day paying bills and figuring accounts out.

I have a massive amounts of things to express but I'm feeling clogged. writing, collaging, photography, sewing, ain't really satisfying enough, I need a canvas the size of our apartment walls and new music. I got the music part, at work there is an African music cd I got.

Bought extra light ash blonde hair dye but I've already changed my mind about the color and want to exchange it. I had a dream I was rubbing oils in my hair and it was long again, and I really was happy I grew it out, but when I woke up my hair was short again

Covering a shift tonight at the Marina store, that's one I haven't worked at yet.

My neck is killing me

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

Every month Billy's grandpa sends a check to him for $50, just because, with a yellow post it note in the auto shop secretary's capitol's: Love you Billy, Love Grandpa Bill' (He's named after Grandpa Bill.)

Today I saw Billy looking funny at the usual envelope. Last night he woke me up screaming like a crazy person, I feered for Jeff & Lori & little Andrew upstairs--hasn't scared me that much in his sleep since the Sardine Man dream. He went to have some beers with Barney, after our walk. I turned on the rest of Benjamin Button, and had two glasses of wine and a salad with extra balsamic and avocado, relaxing after a chasing of the tail sort of day. I saw the post it note: "Billy, I'm sorry but there will be no more $50" I felt Billy's heart break from far away, because not of the money but of being away from his dying grandpa. Billy and I react very differently. I close up, blocking off more pain, expressing it throughout the rest of my life, as needed. Billy must be surrounded by people when he feels down, and I could never understand that. It's one of the few things we don't agree on. Death for me is super metaphysical, everything we know and don't know, just another level of consciousness, the place where dreams are born from. Death for him is very biological and different. I just think afterlife {and life} are beyond religion and space, and cannot be put into a box. I can't say anything more, because then it veers off into science one way and art the other and I was born to start in the middle.



We have the tickets, I have the dress, we have the hotel bookings and someone upstirs to watch Simon our gray feline guy.

Billy came home in the middle of me writing this, feeling pretty good, I know how to give him space he needs to have his own zen moments. I demonstrated how the shoes I got today just don't look right with the bridesmaid dress, before I knew it I was on him and I'll be lucky if the dress is only wrinkled.

Got my bridesmaid dress in the mail yesterday, it fits absolutely perfect and is EVEN long enough!!!
After work we went to a world food festival in our Target parking lot here in Fort Ord, and oh I didn't know Iw as supposed to wear my new dress~ there were middle aged women wearing gaudy sparkly dressses. It was supposed to be all the food you can eat and all the beer/wine you can drink for $20 student prices, but the old Carmel wine ladies were the stingiest and the food was all pretty good. We only had to throw out one plate because the China Pavillion was NASTY

Then we walked Molly on the beach. The sunset was stunning but we didn't get over the dune in time to see it on the water. The other night we got rained on, it was super high tide, I took my film camera, THere was a butterfly shaped pile of kelp. We talked of studying the coyotes, hanging out at night on a full moon to observe them from a tree, without Molly. We don't want to go out there with Molly at all anymore, they have all gotten too brave and aggressive and Molly's been lucky so far.

Dream: I was flying high above some mountains, high as a plane but I wasn't in a plane. Below me I saw a covered wagon with horses and a driver falling to the earth, but they didn't know they were in the sky, they just kept trotting and looking normal. I was overcome with curiosity, but was apprehensive about following them because I hate falling in dreams, but I shot after them pretty fast, and only had a little vertigo. I fell and was a man in old clothes, in his forties or fifties, I had on an old west vest and I was a think man, a tired man but with a naive spontaneity. There was like an outdoor saloon of sorts, some big deal was going on and everyone was paying attention, I was in an impatient rage trying to prove something to someone, and I said "Fine I know you can do it. I want you to shoot this off my head from over there--" And I pointed to a wall of the side of an old plank building. Everyone was stunned and quiet, I walked to the wall, and put an ashtray on my head. There was an inkling I was being plain dumb and not brave, but I couldn't go back now. I stood there, numb by alcohol and heard the gunshot, thinking I was fine until no one cheered, I felt my upper forehead just to the side was a hard hole and warm liquid was dripping down to my arms, my last thoughts were maybe it just skimmed my scalp? I will recover just fine? It didn't hurt I just became lightheaded and had no thoughts, and then I woke up in my bed, with Billy and the fog outside our ugly blinds.

Was looking at dreadlock pictures this morning, I cannot wait until my hair grows a little more so sometime this summer I may start them again.

Today will be a marathon of studying. I wonder if I will pass tomorrow's anatomy lecture test, it's looking extremely bad but I'll study anyway~ even though the deadline for Point Lobos photos is coming up! Friday is the only day I'll have time to do it and it's due by midnight the next day. So it goes.

Watched 'Happy Accidents' and '7 Pounds' recently. GREAT movies I thought. Love time travel themes especially.

I checked on the decaying blue heron, animals scattered it around a bit and I was able to find feathers. Dark grey-blue feathers.

I want to take pictures of the Vietnamese guys in the morning with their cigarettes and coffee and their foreign board game, but I'm too chicken

my friend Susan says I'm too hard on myself and that wise people enjoy things as they are.

Bought Colorado tickets! Will be the best bridesmaid I can ber <3

A tourbus fell over on the 101

I am putting friends postings before Anatomy homework, you should be proud damnitt!! ;)

And I almost did not take The Sue into the woods this afternoon because there are 60 mph winds out there and we would get sandblasted and drugged by allergies. But since our homecoming she has been so 'boreds and wants to go for a walks and especiallies to go get 'em in the woods!!! ' !

(Billy said if we have a kid I have to promise to not talk dorky pet talk to it like I do to our animals. I said you have to promise you'll never give up surfing if we have kids because I know it's your meditation and centers you. he said oh don't worry about that---so what would we name it? Corporfino? Haha I said no Lucia or Gorda, haha.)

Don'tknow what's going on but did not feel very excellent today and went home between lecture and lab

Ski pants and a wool beanie were needed in this walking of the Sue into the woods; when we got to the dirt road 3/4 of the way to Christina's cross, she would not come out of a very familiar bush just where we begin our walk so I walked around it and GUESS WHAT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES

so far from her estuaries, this wind, her broken wing sticking out of that lovely tuft of gray and orange plumes.
I have never gotten so close. I did not like that there was a rounded flattened part of the thigh high grasses where she probably struggled a few days in the cold spring wind, the occasional coyote sniffing her and leaving her where she lay because she couldn't move--and it was coyote territory, I've seen 2 of them closer to our apartment. And then she died in the saltless fishless woods. It broke my heart.

Eerily days after a vivid bird dream- see next post---








I saved two crown plume feathers toput in my new journal~





~~

The day has finally come where I said "Go get em!!" To Molly Sue and she shocks me by bringing me a small bunny squirming slowly upside down in her mouth, shakes it some more and it's shiny eyes stare finally unmoving and I pick it up by the tiny soft gray feet, walk with it to the coyote territory and toss it under a tree, so at least it won't go wasted : maybe it will feed a family of hawks.

Sometime yesterday, despite time changes and opening another day in row, my energy was strong, I tried my damned to make connections with people without alcohol or bonfires.

Last night I took a break from my new best friends: flash cards; Billy & I made Mahi Mahi and rice and grilled vegetables in curry sauce, and white wine, all deals stolen from Trader Joe's~ AFterwards I didn't want the day to be over. I should have been knocked over tired but I couldn't control myself, I tried and tried seducing Billy but he was tired from surfing and diving all weekend, so I took off running around the cult-a-sac again. I only did it for about 20 minutes this time, the wine and fish kind of gave me a side ache. Still I tried seducing BIlly, it finally worked, and if Simon wasn't out all night I would have slept like a rock past my normal 3:30 a.m. alarm time. I had a nightmare about my dad, that his job was making him suicidal and he up and quit and changed his life 180 degrees. But a lovely gift that I had off work this morning and was able to rest my legs and my ever sore breathing muscles.

Now back to homework: bones and muscles and the placements of organs I get but microscopic things and the invisible lives of neurons make no sense to me. Give me a topic about comparing some esoteric thing to a garden or a piece of stone, but, this... and the only drawings I do these days are coloring the Anatomy coloring book aside from my squigglies...(I think I am going to use colored pencils nest instead of paint since it is so expensive) Tomorrow is the lab test, I'll have to concentrate above the dead kitty again. But after that bunny an hour ago I think I'm warmed up :/

I'm walking Molly Sue down the dirt road coming back from the Memorial Loop earlier this week. I count 9, 10, 11 vultures circling overhead, and smell death, like a pile of gophers rotting in a greenhouse, and Molly Sue follows the smell thru some poison oak and I can see her in a patch of sunlight in a small clearing in the moss covered oaks. Whatever is dead is large and khaki colored like skin, and my heart beat in my throat as curiosity won; I was preparing myself for another Christina. I was relieved to see a deer, fuzzy horns, flies buzzing over it. No mountain lion marks, the butt was missing though the tail was there, what bothered me most was the cleancut missing teeth. THis was not too far behind someone's backyard, i could see their fence thru the trees, ew the smell in the neighborhood. I pushed Molly SUe away from it with my golf club I always take now since the coyote attacks on leashed dogs in our streets, and tapped the dainty hooves, your prints are still in the sand over there.

Yesterday I went the other way because I was getting tired of smelling dead dear twice a day. I see more vultures and smell that horrible choking dead smell again. When I come out of the trees, I see something in the trail, and the smell is more sickening as we got closer. There was a huge white clear plastic bag full of something mangled and dead, human sized, and I felt sick to my stomach and thought that's it you're really about to find a dead girl or something. But there was a cardboard box next to it with a brown furry ear sticking out of it, and I thought someone lost a giant pet rabbit? But it was too huge to be even a large rabbit, holding my nose, the flies refusing to leave as we circle this scene, I was struck by the outrageous size of the wild boar head in the box. At first I thought it had to be a black bear. And the body parts coming out of the open bag, sloppy dumpers!, veins stretched against a stomach or liver, and the black green juice filling the bottom two inches of the bag baking in the sun. IT looked the color of green lougies on black asphalt but a gallon of it. WHo is doing this and why behind our cultasacs. I don't like the woods anymore I miss the ocean with it's silk salt preservation and and natural cleansing by waves.

edit: lo0ok at this pic of the memorial!!!
http://www.cmwilliams.org/images/actual%20site1.jpg


http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/1999/01/13/MN104554.DTL