Deja Vus, and other stories.

The dolphins came out to say happy birthday, I hadn't seen them in so long. They didn't feel like flipping and somersaulting though, since they were following bait balls. I was tired, had a nap enough to keep me going past sunset, having opened, and having to open again the next day. BIlly had two bottles of wine to split though we mostly drank the red with all the Italian food he brought. & key lime pie bars for dessert. I'll remember the tourists girls who ran to the sea like they were in a music video and screamed in shock and pain at the cold, they guy who shy and giddy came to Billy and said he made his hands bleed trying to open beers did we have an opener? His girlfriend tucked in the iceplant in a nook waiting in a blanket, the words Billy said to me with tears forming in his beautiful eyes, he said special things but he also said I know you've been worried lately about me not loving you as much as I love surfing but its just that I can't love you any more than I already do, and it can't get any better than this so it's just a plateau.

Is that what happens after you've been together for ten years? There is no limit for me to expand in love with someone.

Like he wrote in my card my simple birthday celebration DID make me feel loved and nourished and it was just what I wanted and we were able to reconnect.







watched a sailboat ride the light instead of the wind


the other night at Tioga, Billy surfed and I read


I missed the shape shifting fog while we were in Colorado


That night I dreamed: First I became conscious in the dream kind of slowly, I was sitting in a circle of about five people, they were taking turns clockwise saying important random things. Me, still barely coming-to, had to give up my turn because I was out of it, but I started realizing what was going on when it was two people away from my turn again. Now I can't remember what exactly the guy said, but it was philosophizing by observation of people, and I had the feeling these people were now longer alive. They were all about the same age just a bit older than me, and dressed oddly but comfortable and I wondered who were all these cool people and where was I? Something pressing about the ceremonial way we were sitting, that said it was special and I ha better pay attention, there were objects in the middle but I can't remember what they were, then my turn came. I thanked them for inviting me and my ears were open then. I felt like they were happy with my just being there and I had their full support. Then I turn my head, there is a road in the middle of nowhere with a telephone pole stretching far away along the road next to peaceful hills. There is an ambulance parked in an abandoned way on the side of the road. It is warm and sunny and bright and completely windless and quiet and a little creepy. I run towards it and around the ambulance my gramma is just standing there, in one her 'house dresses' she says so seriously it makes me feel like I do not know her: "Stacey dear I'm getting very tired and lonely here and it's not going to be much longer before I go" She was way more alert and energetic than normal. I just accepted it and told her I loved her very much and then this person rode a bike by and was panicked and breathless, they needed help! They had a grocery list! They started reading things off like, get potatoes carrots and tomateos!, then I need to go here and here but it was life or death, and important to this person so I drove the ambulance about a hundred feet and they said okay right here please! I scratched my head I didn't help at all they jumped out of the ambulance, I got out too. My gramma was sitting on a ledge in the sun looking happy to herself. I heard gunshots, I looked up and there was Brett Grossini from high school, the good looking class clown that had way too much energy who could make anyone in any group laugh and feel like the most special person in school. He's in the Army Special Forces now, stationed in Afghanistan, grown a beard to fit in and apparently is having the time of his life with al that energy he has to burn. He visited Billy's house at Christmas when we were home, but I was sick and went to bed early and didn't get to see him. Tommy says he still keeps in touch with him and is fired up about some machine gun nicknamed 'the Breath of Allah' by the soldiers. Who would have thought hunting Osama Bin Laden would have been his perfect niche. Anyone in my dream he was straight faced and not happy, in his own world shooting this gun. He didn't seem to notice me running towards him screaming to stoop shooting, and the bullets went right through me, I realized then that I was dreaming, and didn't have to worry about the gun. So I followed him around, wondering what happened to him, his spirit looked broken, did I remember him being so gorgeous? I thought he had a beard, Tommy said he had a middle eastern look now where is it? But he was taller than I remember and wearing a cutoff shirt and looked more like a sixties soldier than one of our times. I just follwered around and felt him out, and never realized just how troubled, deep, and brave his spirit truly was and Billy said out of nowhere as he appeared behind me: Who I realized was following me around following Brett around trying to figure out what I was looking for: He said holy shit you guys go perfect together, and I looked at him, like yeah, some peoples stars are just crossed, and that's how it is, didn't you know? You can't say it will be one way because it has a life of its own and wants to go six ways at once. I followed Brett to an abandoned building against a hill, it looked like it had been a 6 sided building, I wondered what kind of festivals and carnivals that were held here and why it is forgotten about now. Feathers caught my eye: they were covering a wall beneath a ledge. I thought yeah right like I would find something of any importance, I already have feathers, and then all of a sudden the feathers were hanging lined up on the over hang like they were trying to get my attention. I walked over and was in awe, there were golden owl feathers, large brown feathers, pelican feathers, and blue heron feathers. There was light coming from inside the roof and up to the left, but I couldn't quite see. So I stuck my head in to see but spider webs kept me from jumping back. That's when my alarm went of at 2:45 a.m. and I thought of that dream over and over all day, the importance of it kept pressing on me, felt between states of consciousness all day. It was more vivid than I've had for a while.

I needed a break from homework and a glass of wine
Billy is surfing- he is so good to me-
He is the best cook I know. Yesterday he made a homemade caesar dressing and blended everything himself and Simon got the rest of the fish.

I Am SO BUMMED about one thing that I will not dwell on but continue to improve grades for the classes I have left. I hope now that I have something I love and am working hard towards the universe will not screw me over.

This morning: I had to clean bloody entrails of an animal shit from a coyote hunting our cat in our driveway. It's one thing to pick up your dog's poo with a plastic baggie, they're hard and standardly simple in dirt or sand, so your hand could simultaneously cover with other sand; but this was a disaster: They tried eating a whole squirrel or something else without chewing and it tore them open. Simon must have had another close one last night if the coyotes were under Billy's truck in the driveway but that was not how my day began

Dreams last night that I thought of all day: eerie roars of a cougar across the woods, loud, hoarse and demanding: I was running from it, in our cult-a-sac, and climbed a tree with housecats, and the mountain lion joined us but we were invisible because we were in a dead oak tree. Then I was dodging lighting running back to our driveway, everywhere in the woods behind the houses lighting struck and caused fires, I knew one of us would get hit by lighting: some chick and I running towards the apartments, and in a supernatural hyperreal slow motion view that could have been cinematographic excellence had it been recorded: I watche slowly behind and above me, a bomb of lightning bleed into the air , hot white and yellow, blinding but with its own cloud of energy before it actually formed a blinding squiggly of 'lightning' which I was braced for something dramatic and it bypassed me, running, and ht and vaporized the girl running just in front of me. THen I was in our office trying to tame a bunch of small snakes striped with bright orange, white and some other color. I was afraid of then even though they were small and coiled.

I need to but a bridesmaids' dress and a plane ticket to Denver

Today I aced a math test and then have been studying for my anatomy quiz tomorrow~

Dream: Billy & I lived in a motor home up and down a rocky coast in Northern California, it was always cool and moist and overcast but we were so happy, and Molly could run around free an SImon napped inside or hunted birds. ITw as a very odd perspective dream where there was no plot, just random sights of general life.

Dream: I was walked on a deserted street full of boring looking abandoned buildings. Out of nowhere in the middle of the day people had huge weapons and were throwing fire with their hands, and I just didn't know what to do in my panic. I was with a few girls, and one of them got hit in the head and her face and hair went up in flames, it was horrible, and she had the white panic of just being inside out and upside down. I could see through the flames enough to see her face boil and blister and become bloody and then wet blackness after she feel to the ground. Fire balls went through the air at me, and me and the girls left were dodging them and hiding between slabs of concrete, a girl out of nowhere wandered up to me unafraid of the flames and handed me a branch of some plant. It calmed me and gave me some clarity; she then tried buying off the people throwing fire to make them stop long enough to explain things to me, which I know were important. But I can't remember our conversation, then I woke up and had a very clumsy and over-caffeinated day at work.


I'm going to take a nap, get up read chapter 3 and complete the online quiz, and then wake up and change many things in my life

Refugio Beach, Santa Barbara











Hot wind blew in the evenings. Dolphins popped up and looked us in the eyes. Billy and me slept together outside so we could fall asleep watching the stars. We kayaked, we snorkeled, we walked, I crew, I took pictures, we ate meat over oakwood every single night, we had beers and fritos and vodka infused fruit cocktais.

I got stung by a bee in my fingertip and it swelled up and was hard to wrap around the paddle kayaking, the dogs got off and ran away and then found again, Molly broke off her leash to get a dog who looked like a coyote, and bit Tommy, and broke out of the tent at 3 a.m. to chase a skunk who sprayed her and out tent and we poured Trudy's bloody mary mix over her and almost died of painful nausea and gagging, we had to throw away our pillows and luggage bags because it went through the tent. We spent half a day in town doing laundry and buying a choke chain. Molly was a crazy post traumatic stressed out depressed dog camping :/ I was horrible, burned throat and nasal like onions and rotten garlic and hair permanent mixed together and I got sick to my stomach, it didn't smell like skunk at all, just horrible.


for the other hundred pictures go here!


http://www.flickr.com/photos/9621192@N02/page6/








*

Yesterday's walk in the woods, smells like fire. 4th of July fireworks this year will be so dangerous.

Only when it's warm and bright now do I visit her memorial

Susan and Dave are moving back to their Vermont house.












Last night I curled my hair a la Marilyn Monroe~ we went to Lallapalooza. The waitress accidently charged us for a $66 bottle of wine instead of the $37 one we ordered, when did Lala's get so Carmel-y?
Well. Great/strange music at the coffee lounge. Oops the honey lid popped off in my tea and made a mess; couldn't finish it because the sugar hurt my throat. Someday I will have a stone house with candles and drapes and pillows from India. Or at least a stone room. Woke up with the strong smell of fire in the house & it's miles away. Today is my last day of being 24

Ta Da! (Mr Hanky poses with my new plates)



(  + others of lately +  )

When I got out of class at 7pm I met him at Del Monte Beach, the same beach that swallowed his original wedding ring. He popped open champagne, we ate sushi with the sound of waves and crackling oakwood, and he even brought dessert. It was the perfect valentine's day, except for a couple from Modesto who asked us where they could get pot and we said I have no idea, there was no one else around, just us and the lights of Monterey. And the old Fisherman's Ghost, snooping on us just like the old days

(  fire + water  )