Deja Vus, and other stories.

Yesterday I read and napped and found two people to cover shifts and biked and stretched doing amateur yoga (needed now after biking now I am getting strong muscles!) and I had a desire for the ocean, (though it was too choppy and crazy for little cook-ey me.) I left Molly at home so I could walk slowly, and let my bones soak up the static hum of the constant waves, I meditated on the rocks and the changing clouds like smoke signals. Searched the debris of civilization for patterns, the concrete rip rap like huge concrete runes flung and stuck in the sand where they landed.







Billy at Tioga with the board Barney shaped, that Billy painted


it was choppy but beautiful




After our evening at the windy Tioga avenue where the clouds were morphing above us fast as the churning waves we met Barney at English Ales, where they each have their own mugs. I had three Big Sur Pale Ales and crumbling veggie sandwich and fat french fried. I don't remember the last time I had french fries! Barney is building a train car for some mean rich guy and is having brass casting problems, I actually knew exactly what he was talking about with my dental lab experience. I said I can help, I have blow-torch holding experience! Barney put his gum on the edge of his mug and everyone stared at it when there was nothing to talk about.



Last night I had a dream I picked it off the mug and chewed it.
Also dreamed that I was in a pale blue iceworld, I was with strangers from the past in I don't know, like Neanderthal time. I looked around, we were in these crazy animal skins and fur, I was as fat as a seal from it, there was primitive but well done stitching throughout my warm coat. the boots! Ugg boots on PCP, I was walking in a line, we were traveling, through a gorge of pale blue ice, we were walking quietly, I could tell we were going a very long way, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I heard barking/howling, got scared for a second thinking of the coyotes, but when I turned in the direction there were gorgeous fluffy white and gray creatures, at least a dozen wolves. Wolves! Wherever I was I didn't want to leave, it was genuinely peaceful and lovely. THey were just passing through too and were curious about our line of humans like walking walruses. We were in a larger pack than they so they didn't try and intimidate us .Oh, it was beautiful. Then we came to a clearing, there was a sand box type of structure, but no sand just ice and dirt, things were melting now. There was someone in it on her side, shivering, wearing only a pink tank top and black pants. She was shivering violently, like she was going to die, or seiszuring. I walked to help her, and was shocked to see, that it was me. In my outfit I usually put on straight out of bed or the shower because I'm not a robe person but a yoga pants person. I grabbed me and rubbed my arms to warm me and tried to wake me up. It creeped me out more than anything to not be able to feel, even though I was in the form of someone else, I couldn't feel the hands trying to warm me, smacking my face trying to make me waken. Then I was in my normal body, waking up, and saw people dressed like Inuits walking away in a line with wolves play calling far away. What was that? I have to remember that dream, the beautiful ice. Must remember and write about that dream when you wake up. I watched them walking away, amazed, and wishing they told me what they knew, what they saw on their journey

Well I came to the realization of what a sucky photographer I am~ I've been searching my photo databases for 5 measly epitomes that could possibly be Point Lobos in order to win this contest. I only found ~1~ that has any resemblance to the Point Lobos that rests on the pedestal that is millions of calenders. That is the square sepia image of a heron taking off from the nest in the pines at sunset so it is a flying silhouette, you know one of my satisfying monthly heron shots. But all the rest suck suck suck and I realize: Do I know Point Lobos at all? I looked at Deviant Art versions some are okay but clearly digitized too much so that it looks like a Disneyland ride without wax mummies. The others are too boring, and without drawing it how to I tell the moods of this sacred place? This is the first time I've felt challenged with nature photography like all this time I've been shooting blanks when I go there just because I love it so much but if I had (now 4) more photos to exploit the spirit which it it allows me to see how would I do that knowing what I know about light & my camera and its hidden spiral of compositions??

And so I decided to go by the end of April and just take tons of new ones with this in mind.

Point Lobos is NOT what it seems to be
I LOVE blurry water shots but that is a RARE MOOD for Point Lobos, you know to be peaceful in the way calenders portray it. It's like showing a woman on Cosmopolitan magazine with digitized skin and sturdy boobs, really

It is naturally brutal, with unforgiving wind and cliffs and depths into the bay which makes it so unique in the whole world; the barking seals which gives it its famous name, they suffer miscarriages too and play with their dead babies in the sand, crying at it because it doesn't do what the other proud fat mammas' babies do.
And the deer, they don't care for tourists much, they can't enjoy the sun any more because to get any privacy they must graze at the coldest darkest times of daylight, but they like it that way anyway. Some eggs fall out of nests on windy days and squirrels leave nuts half eaten in pine trees before they loose their furry tails to RV tires, otters have bebies and raise them on their bellies while they float in safe coves tied to kelp thriving on the ocean water itself, and millions of abalone flints in the cliffs and trails mirror pink light after a good rain, from the olden days when they thought abalone was limitless and that was the only way Chinese and Japanese could make a living in a town that for the most part outcast them. The whales who were butchered here still whine sometimes in the water but it goes unheard except to maybe divers and shrimp, and the Ohlone Indians can only shake their ghostly heads at the small portion of the land we nowadays hold dear the way they once thought of the entire world.

How do I show all this in a few pictures. It's not even about the contest anymore, I'm perplexed

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Last night I dreamed I wanted to see what my past lives were. So I walked. I was in a car, but parked along a winding road that went into bright green foothills, like in Mendocino, pulled over, parked. The road led deeper into taller more emerald mountains. I was bitten by the adventure bug, but I think it was a sign on the side of the road that said, I had to walk the rest of the way, and each step, look at your feet, they will change. And as much as I wanted to stop and bee in the quietest moment I can ever remember, the fog rolling against the mountains, the damp warm air, the eerie quietness I knew I was the only human, animal or bug in sight. It was long and meditative. I walked. I went into a sort of trance, even in my dream, although I interpreted it as going in and out of lucidity, and can't remember the in between parts but I was letting the images of my feet flow. I swear it ws the weirdest thing because of course as conscious was thinking I was in waking life, and look at my feet! They fluctuated in pattern and attire and sexuality and color. The. Strangest. Thing I have dreamed in a while, my feet were knarly and hairy and dirty but felt more comfortable than ever on the dirt road leading into the emerald mountians, they were pointed and maroon-fabriced and not very comfortable, they were sandaled and ancient looking, they were all sorts of things and next what I knew I was coming to a knoll where there was a treehouse without a tree, if that makes any sense. I knew it had ana mazing view so I stopped and went that way~ it was the turn that must have ben my life now, because there were all the usual people. My parents, were hoeing in the garden of all things, in overalls and all, they had never been so happy, and I was relieved I was in a very peaceful time; and I went into the treehouse/cabin and there were people from elementary school and high school and my job now but that only made up about fifteen. There was a celebration I was almost late for! Rosie that was my 2nd bridesmaid that moved to L.A she was lighting candles on a cake. Cory the fun hippie chick I work with now she was there explaining what I missed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, a round mirror on the wall and I was in a stupid ugly bonnet and apron! I said I have to go up and change! They rolled their eyes and acted just like they knew and were way ahead, and motioned me to go up, which was a homemade ladder into a tiny loft, where there were people fro my past and probably my future since I only recognized a couple. Just from walking up I looked down and saw myself in Ugg boots and a skirt and sweatshirt, much better! Someone exclaimed, "You're HAIR!!" And I felt my hair, and I had these long dreadlocks, they must have been at least three years. I was like oh yeah that, these help me think, or something like that. Someone was getting distracted out the window, so we laid on our bellies together like we were five and watching cartoons but the tv was instad a window with a magnificent view of a green hilly ranch, like it was the last thing before a volcanic Rocky Montain of a range sprung up behind it. It was getting dark but you could tell there was a silver ruck struggling down the ravine and they were watching in suspense. I Shot up and said I have to Go! That's MY TRUCK! and I woke up.

The night before I dreamed, a vivid dream about my sister wanting to ride her new bike along the cliffs of Highway 1. I wanted to photograph her, and it was in slow motion: her pedaling and smiling to the beat of slow music suspended between gleefulness, meditation and a bitterseetness that I had never seen in her face before, she was almost fearless despite the ridiculous cliffs below her. To my happy surprise there were receding clouds behind the mountain range, adn a rainbow appeared, I saw the angle from the asphalt view, and her butt-long hair blowed perfectly behind her like a flag and in awe I watched the rainbow come alive, move like a ribbon throuh the air from behind the Big Sur mountains mimick the flow of her hair, and unite with the tips of her hair. It was amzing. It was so real

I love magic, how to I express these kinds of magic.

Sufjan Stevens has a sexy voice.

All day I could only think, I wish I had my dreadlocks back

on our FOrt ORd walk the other night~

Sorry I couldn't find it in my heart to cut this rare evening display of visual fortune







To be able to see clearly Pacific Grove and Santa Cruz in the same shot is just incredible


classic gold


There were only 3 people on the entire beach


there the two peninsulas are again


unedited color on the sea, just stunning.


this one's edited though, I like bright color when it comes to people. Oh look it's me and Billy! He sometimes lets me take pictures of cheeseballs

They say most of the time last words are Holy Shit
Well It's a cold beautiful clear morning and I thought I'd get off the computer chair and take poor Molly for her walk into the woods. We go left now on the dirt road, instead of right which is where we saw the pack of coyotes last time. Billy had said it's the time of year bucks drop their horn, I don't know why I never knew that, but I was excited because he said you can sometimes find them by trees or somewhere but he's never found them and I certainly haven't. So we bushwhacked through the hill making our own trail, some of the black sage was taller than me, and the dead bones of the manzanita looked like thorn thickets but are pretty easily broken down. IT smells so good, brushing past black sage. there was a tiny little clearing about the size of a bed. I saw some bone lying in the dirt, this deerhorn!! I couldn't believe it! I held it and thought this is really dagger-like. Then I realized we would probably have to go back the way we came because it was too thick even though we were right neck to our normal trail. There was a sound, my first though was oh somebody let their dog run around the hill but I couldn't hear people SO FUCKING CLOSE a coyote YIIIP! YIP-YIP-YIP-yip! If we were in a house we all would have been in the same living room, It took me a second to realized how close it really was and it was the way we had come so I had to make a split decision hold crap my neck burned with adrenaline, Molly put her eyes back and cowered a little, I told her to go run go run! And pointed towards our normal trail in the hill even though we'd have to run a long circle around to get home. IT kept yipping! I couldn't see it in the bushes but I could hear it rustling so close oh my god!!! I grabbed my golf club and was braced to fucking beat it but I couldn't really move my arms instinct was just telling me to run. It couldn't see us I think it was just hearing and smelling us and I didn't know if there were others. I didn't know if it was going to show up three feet away happy and panting or showing teeth just before it jumps on me or Molly Sue. I was so scared. I knew though that I had a knife like deerhorn though and that made me feel a little more confident. IT kept yipyipping and the bush right there was rustling, and then I miraculously was able to suddenly run through what I thought we couldn't bushwhack through, we sprinted so fast, Molly was scared but she listened good and we got to our normal trail, the coyote got louder and more excited but I just kept running, running I was so lightheaded and sick feeling because I don't ever run like that. I should really start running full time again. I am still wheezing. We ran past where the white owl surprised me that morning, we ran past the memorial, and past the treehouse with the tire swing by our neighborhood that flocks of quail exploded into the air when we walk by and that was that. I have never had such a close call, ever. I cannot believe how scary it sounded that close. It was very much like a dream being chased by a killer with a knife and prepared to do flips over fences and just focus on where you're going. So now I have to figure out how to wear this around my neck, although I can't say I'm ready to back into the woods quite yet. I wonder where the other horn is

my final Grades!
OCEN2 4.0 B
ANTH2 3.0 B
ART2 4.0 A



Saturday: Had the day off and Billy took me and Molly Sue out deep in the Carmel Valley for a new hiking spot he found sampling one of the rivers.



8 miles roundtrip, I have been told NO TAN LINES so I had on a long sleeved shirt that was too hot. Except for when we took off all our clothes by the river in the sun and made Molly stay on the other side of the rocks.



Beer and beandip for lunch and Molly swam for what we thought was the first time (and was terrified)



and I slipped in deep water and both Holgas around my neck got submerged but I save my digital at least!



Sunday was a long eight hour day we probably had fifty people come in all day, I had waaaay too many pastries and a shots of espresso to pass the time. When I got to my cell phone there was a message from the photographer, Rob, to go along and help out with a Pebble BEach wedding (!!!) That was bigger than normal for one man to photograph, he said sorry last minute and I was probably working at Starbucks Sunday morning but he thought he'd try anyway! I'm so bummed I missed it! But I'm happy he's thinking of me for the job....

I slept SO GOOD last night and had crazy lucid flying dreams, where I was in the oak forest with Molly & Simon and they were following me on the ground as I flew around the trees. I got so good at landing on branches. And sex dreams, and hiking dreams.



Today I have mosquito bites everywhere and could be poison oak on m legs there. Oh it's driving me nuts. I need more coffee. The house is a mess; today is my last day off before the big weekend! so much to do.

Baby Goose


Baby Duck

I have been immersed in Dreamgates, Only Love Is Real, Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint, Plot & Structure, & The Writer's Idea Workshop as well as having loads finally release onto paper, or laptop depending where I am... My dreams are wild. I feel like exploding.

One day, the giant bonsai decided to drop some limbs, just missing my car and blocking me in, which made me have to walk to work and I forgot how much I love walking. So yesterday, a miracle 77 degrees out of nowhere (today a high of 53 again) I said to Billy and his brother who visited for a day I'm going weather you go with me or not, so we took off walking watching bums and tourists and rich people, a guy played a harp and people looked at overpriced art, we watched boats go in and out of the harbor and seagulls fight. We walked all the way to Cannery Row wear beginning divers fill a dive city of a cove and had margaritas and bad mexican food at a place on the water where we didn't have to take our eyes off the seals. I could have walked all the way to Carmel. But we walked back home, taking the beach back, and later we met Brenda/H/Dave/Susan on the boat, and talked and had dinner at a pub, H being embarrassing by continuously putting salk & pepper shakers nad hot sauce and ketchups down my shirt, go figure a big child. The four of them are leaving for the South Pacific by April, and then live for six months in New Zealand. During that time we would foster parent Mr. Obo and use Dave & Susan's little boat while they're gone. While they're all in Fiji, Billy and I will vacation with them. Which means this summer is going to be crazy-- that vacation, Billy changing jobs in June, me wanting to change jobs hopefully doing so, decided to look for other house that's bigger and more affordable by September, and school for me in the fall.

Billy has been busy with the Carmel lagoon, they just breached it so the mansions don't get flooded, but that threatens the steelhead trout they've been trying to help. With the pro Am's right around the corner rich people got stuck on walks with the fresh river flowing into the ocean and that day Billy got stuck giving women rides in the kayak.

Billy eating in lunch in his waders last Sunday


Billy shaved off his beard for Valentine's day, and took me to dinner, and then we ate chocolate off each other, and gave massages,

It's a three day weekend He's giving my car an oil change and I'm writing, I want to make that long walk a daily thing. I'll update on your journals soon.