Deja Vus, and other stories.

from Tuesday



















A string of insomniac nights plagued me this past week, last night was the night I finally slept without recurring massive tidal wave dreams. I'm school obsessed but have been trying to squeeze in the arts here and there, I lay awake at night coming up with ideas for photos and poems and have found what I was looking for within me. I have to get to class, won't be back till this evening, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my full school days.

Hope everyone has a great day!!!

Every month Billy's grandpa sends a check to him for $50, just because, with a yellow post it note in the auto shop secretary's capitol's: Love you Billy, Love Grandpa Bill' (He's named after Grandpa Bill.)

Today I saw Billy looking funny at the usual envelope. Last night he woke me up screaming like a crazy person, I feered for Jeff & Lori & little Andrew upstairs--hasn't scared me that much in his sleep since the Sardine Man dream. He went to have some beers with Barney, after our walk. I turned on the rest of Benjamin Button, and had two glasses of wine and a salad with extra balsamic and avocado, relaxing after a chasing of the tail sort of day. I saw the post it note: "Billy, I'm sorry but there will be no more $50" I felt Billy's heart break from far away, because not of the money but of being away from his dying grandpa. Billy and I react very differently. I close up, blocking off more pain, expressing it throughout the rest of my life, as needed. Billy must be surrounded by people when he feels down, and I could never understand that. It's one of the few things we don't agree on. Death for me is super metaphysical, everything we know and don't know, just another level of consciousness, the place where dreams are born from. Death for him is very biological and different. I just think afterlife {and life} are beyond religion and space, and cannot be put into a box. I can't say anything more, because then it veers off into science one way and art the other and I was born to start in the middle.



We have the tickets, I have the dress, we have the hotel bookings and someone upstirs to watch Simon our gray feline guy.

Billy came home in the middle of me writing this, feeling pretty good, I know how to give him space he needs to have his own zen moments. I demonstrated how the shoes I got today just don't look right with the bridesmaid dress, before I knew it I was on him and I'll be lucky if the dress is only wrinkled.

I don't know what to say
my dreams were just so weird what were they tray to say
Babysat for Andrew upstairs again
Dan was in a bad mood today in lecture, I couldn't believe what a brat he was being, and he's retired
I'll be lucky if I pass anatomy. I expect to pass math but I'm becoming lost. Gave sweet old Hiron my number, and cute sweet Indi, and tomorrow night I meet Indira at Kundalini. To be surrounded by people named after Gandhi's wife! Ha! Dropped off 17 rolls of 120mm film at Myrick, so I can save time developing in the lab at Fine Art Base (I'm saving the color ones for later after I might make something $$~~ I suck at reelling those without damaging them. So I'll stick with just printing prints. Besides I only have until the 31st, and we're approaching finals. Have to wake up at 4 again tomorrow. When will I have time to study. Goodnight. I need that Kundalini bad

Well I came to the realization of what a sucky photographer I am~ I've been searching my photo databases for 5 measly epitomes that could possibly be Point Lobos in order to win this contest. I only found ~1~ that has any resemblance to the Point Lobos that rests on the pedestal that is millions of calenders. That is the square sepia image of a heron taking off from the nest in the pines at sunset so it is a flying silhouette, you know one of my satisfying monthly heron shots. But all the rest suck suck suck and I realize: Do I know Point Lobos at all? I looked at Deviant Art versions some are okay but clearly digitized too much so that it looks like a Disneyland ride without wax mummies. The others are too boring, and without drawing it how to I tell the moods of this sacred place? This is the first time I've felt challenged with nature photography like all this time I've been shooting blanks when I go there just because I love it so much but if I had (now 4) more photos to exploit the spirit which it it allows me to see how would I do that knowing what I know about light & my camera and its hidden spiral of compositions??

And so I decided to go by the end of April and just take tons of new ones with this in mind.

Point Lobos is NOT what it seems to be
I LOVE blurry water shots but that is a RARE MOOD for Point Lobos, you know to be peaceful in the way calenders portray it. It's like showing a woman on Cosmopolitan magazine with digitized skin and sturdy boobs, really

It is naturally brutal, with unforgiving wind and cliffs and depths into the bay which makes it so unique in the whole world; the barking seals which gives it its famous name, they suffer miscarriages too and play with their dead babies in the sand, crying at it because it doesn't do what the other proud fat mammas' babies do.
And the deer, they don't care for tourists much, they can't enjoy the sun any more because to get any privacy they must graze at the coldest darkest times of daylight, but they like it that way anyway. Some eggs fall out of nests on windy days and squirrels leave nuts half eaten in pine trees before they loose their furry tails to RV tires, otters have bebies and raise them on their bellies while they float in safe coves tied to kelp thriving on the ocean water itself, and millions of abalone flints in the cliffs and trails mirror pink light after a good rain, from the olden days when they thought abalone was limitless and that was the only way Chinese and Japanese could make a living in a town that for the most part outcast them. The whales who were butchered here still whine sometimes in the water but it goes unheard except to maybe divers and shrimp, and the Ohlone Indians can only shake their ghostly heads at the small portion of the land we nowadays hold dear the way they once thought of the entire world.

How do I show all this in a few pictures. It's not even about the contest anymore, I'm perplexed

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Last night I dreamed I wanted to see what my past lives were. So I walked. I was in a car, but parked along a winding road that went into bright green foothills, like in Mendocino, pulled over, parked. The road led deeper into taller more emerald mountains. I was bitten by the adventure bug, but I think it was a sign on the side of the road that said, I had to walk the rest of the way, and each step, look at your feet, they will change. And as much as I wanted to stop and bee in the quietest moment I can ever remember, the fog rolling against the mountains, the damp warm air, the eerie quietness I knew I was the only human, animal or bug in sight. It was long and meditative. I walked. I went into a sort of trance, even in my dream, although I interpreted it as going in and out of lucidity, and can't remember the in between parts but I was letting the images of my feet flow. I swear it ws the weirdest thing because of course as conscious was thinking I was in waking life, and look at my feet! They fluctuated in pattern and attire and sexuality and color. The. Strangest. Thing I have dreamed in a while, my feet were knarly and hairy and dirty but felt more comfortable than ever on the dirt road leading into the emerald mountians, they were pointed and maroon-fabriced and not very comfortable, they were sandaled and ancient looking, they were all sorts of things and next what I knew I was coming to a knoll where there was a treehouse without a tree, if that makes any sense. I knew it had ana mazing view so I stopped and went that way~ it was the turn that must have ben my life now, because there were all the usual people. My parents, were hoeing in the garden of all things, in overalls and all, they had never been so happy, and I was relieved I was in a very peaceful time; and I went into the treehouse/cabin and there were people from elementary school and high school and my job now but that only made up about fifteen. There was a celebration I was almost late for! Rosie that was my 2nd bridesmaid that moved to L.A she was lighting candles on a cake. Cory the fun hippie chick I work with now she was there explaining what I missed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, a round mirror on the wall and I was in a stupid ugly bonnet and apron! I said I have to go up and change! They rolled their eyes and acted just like they knew and were way ahead, and motioned me to go up, which was a homemade ladder into a tiny loft, where there were people fro my past and probably my future since I only recognized a couple. Just from walking up I looked down and saw myself in Ugg boots and a skirt and sweatshirt, much better! Someone exclaimed, "You're HAIR!!" And I felt my hair, and I had these long dreadlocks, they must have been at least three years. I was like oh yeah that, these help me think, or something like that. Someone was getting distracted out the window, so we laid on our bellies together like we were five and watching cartoons but the tv was instad a window with a magnificent view of a green hilly ranch, like it was the last thing before a volcanic Rocky Montain of a range sprung up behind it. It was getting dark but you could tell there was a silver ruck struggling down the ravine and they were watching in suspense. I Shot up and said I have to Go! That's MY TRUCK! and I woke up.

The night before I dreamed, a vivid dream about my sister wanting to ride her new bike along the cliffs of Highway 1. I wanted to photograph her, and it was in slow motion: her pedaling and smiling to the beat of slow music suspended between gleefulness, meditation and a bitterseetness that I had never seen in her face before, she was almost fearless despite the ridiculous cliffs below her. To my happy surprise there were receding clouds behind the mountain range, adn a rainbow appeared, I saw the angle from the asphalt view, and her butt-long hair blowed perfectly behind her like a flag and in awe I watched the rainbow come alive, move like a ribbon throuh the air from behind the Big Sur mountains mimick the flow of her hair, and unite with the tips of her hair. It was amzing. It was so real

I love magic, how to I express these kinds of magic.

Sufjan Stevens has a sexy voice.

All day I could only think, I wish I had my dreadlocks back

THe stick says I'm not pregnant this morning- not time I guess--I'm relieved I don't have to rush out and shop for insurance, and that I have extra time to create other things, and but I'm a little bummed don't ya think my uterus is comfy? Hrm guess not

The day before yesterday was the Twighlight Zone: Sunny and clear I took Molly Sue for a quick walk on our normal memorial loop walk before class, 20 min. Usually we don't go in mornings without Billy because there have been so many coyotes out later in the day, but since it was hot, and 9 am, that they would be away in their dens.

On our way back almost to where the dead heron is, we were walking around a patch of trees just by the dirt road, the gateway to the path to go home. Peaceful walk, tall grass, nothing but the sound of your feet crunching on soft forest floor, and directly behind me shocked the silence in an eerie loud bark/screech/howl, a coyote that sounded like a pissed off hyenia, holy shit I couldn't see where it was. It was the universal dog howl when an intruder comes to the front door. But hoarse, wild, at that point it was like just fucking run. Run through those trees and over those logs and through that cobweb you were avoiding. It kept on howling, VERY NEAR BEHIND ME! I didn't have the guts to turn around and be shocked by how close it was. I told Molly RUN HOME RUN HOME if we just get to the dirt road we could be in a clearing where I would be able to run towards it aggressively, but in the forest it was hard enough, I was really disoriented from the horrible loud sound. I was numb and shaky and assuming I would trip but I didn't. We got to the path and I was farther than I thought from the dirt road and the howling was following us and also blocking us from getting to our home trail shit. I was already wanting to collapse from sprinting through the forest obstacle course. I made a BIG MISTAKE in running from it but I panicked and thought I could rune but it cut us off. Fuck so we ran over the blue floor lupine, it howled closer behind us no way was I looking back no way I thought we could outrun the bastard! My next thought was jump up that tree the one Billy always climbs--- I was getting tired and weak but Molly wouldn't be able to go up the tree. Fuck so we ran all the way around the memorial, up the hill in the dirt, very hard to begin with I run sometimes but I can't sprint for ten minutes straight every part of my body was burning and I had tunnel vision and wanted to throw up so I walked to the top of the hill hoping it got bored with us but the howling wouldn't stop and it was still just as close behind us as it was when it first told us to get out if its territory. I was so mad at myself for running, but we kept on, until we got to the cement factory/quarry thing where there were tractors moving and I was never so happy to see tractors. That was when I noticed my tongue was completely numb it felt so odd! THe coyote was still howling but I thought it was giving up halfway up the hill. We had no choice at that point but to cut through cement place, and take the highway to the ORd Market and back home through the neighborhood. THat was the worst coyote experience and I don't ever want to go in the woods again without Billy, as a pack we can intimidate them more. I am terribly sore all over today. Billy said this was the same area he had to chase away the mom and adolescent coyotes 3 times that wouldn't give up stalking him and Molly. That's why she wouldn't let me get away with it she had a kid with her. Anyway it turned into an hour and I missed math class, was spaced out all day: And then we were out of power and I could see what I was doing in our apartment cave and the lights were out in town up here most the day.

Also: There's some contest or something to win darkroom time: It's through Point Lobos, of art inspired by that place or photography, so I'm getting that together. I need it because I have 30 +rolls of Holga and Rolleflex film that is waiting to be developed. WIsh me luck. BIlly is going to help me make my own website this summer.

I am tired of waking up at 3:30 and tired of rude customers and my boss driving the store into the ground I'm sure most people are.

School makes me feel fat and tired and achy. THese days coffee + alcholhol both put me to sleep or wake me up the same :/

I'm jealous of Billy's freedom to walk Molly twice a day for me so she doesn't pull the blanket off me when I'm studying and writing essays; and even when he jumps in the cold ocean twice a day. He did rescue me though a couple times in the past week and we made it to the sea on the rare 2 days when you could see the sun set, and now it's back to rain, at least it's humid and warm, that's nice, but I miss Big Sur

Noteworthy: we had beers in the dunes of Tioga Avenue. We heard a sound, it sounded like cheering or yelling. It was a man racing downhill towards the sea with his arms in the air screaming and howling. He was howling like a wolf, continuously, out of passion and discipline both, the sun had just set behind the peninsula, and it was like he was setting it's spirit free. At first we thought, Crazy Guy! Then it sounded beautiful like singing, and we watched him for the span of a whole beer, he never stopped. It reminded me of a scene in John Steinbeck's To A God Unknown. Fabulous short eerie novel for nature lovers and history lovers alike.

Pro, cra-st-in, tion!



































the man who howled at the setting sun

Alyson & Gayle, Monterey










The most fun wedding I ever did, and the vows just made me tear up, I didn't ever do that at a wedding before :P

Finished an essay last night, after math class after working.

Today morningloryblue and iemaja are getting married on the beach, at 4pm. I am honored to be their wedding photographer and guest/photographer at their reception dinner later today!!! It is overcast but the purple skies are beautiful, I heard lighting last night when I was being an insomniac again. I want to be there by 2 so I can scout the scene and get the portraits in. I can't wait to see them again, I have only met them once and instantly liked them very much. I can't wait to see them in their gowns! 

Then tomorrow I open and then work on their photos. Monday, Tuesday, and thursday I have tests in all of my classes, and I'm especially worried about Anatomy. I have so much to do and I'm so tired and when I have a chance to sleep I can't. But I'm taking it as it comes and doing my best with what I got. 

Marina, low tide. From Jesus clouds to Armageddon in an hour








real quick. Saturday: Dale brought the wine, Rob & Joy cooked, Saelon brought the dessert, Devon ran around showing us her latest artworks they hang up all over the house, Miracle was late, Serene didn't show up, Kamilla wore a white knit thigh length hippie dress with white leather boots and her black hair swung around her laugh. I was surprisingly anxious and hot faced and needed extra wine, our naked bodies were spotlit on the fireplace as each photographer displayed them and all of a sudden it was ten p.m. and Billy picked me up and helped me out to the car with all my selves vulnerable on paper. And boy it was hard to sleep, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I said 'Billy Rob said he tried different combinations of girls in the bedroom for the KEyhole project and me and Kamilla had such good chemistry!' He said so in a curious way, Kamilla and me looked at each other and laughed, and we had a sort of goofy goodbye too, it could be just me, but. We'll email each other and when her & Justin finish the house she's going to have us over :D

It was a sad thing when my alarm went off at 4 in the morning and I was hungover and exhausted already neglected of rest and had to open and work till noon. At least it was a gloomy enough day and I got a nap in after that. Then we walked on the beach and I felt high. And then I slept all night. And now I have to go to class but I have a nice pile of photographs to show later...

Hi one and all - happy new year.

Well with all the business of the holidays past us - and Dale's remodel on the downward slope (spiral) toward completion (much of his house has been disassembled including darkroom) - we are finally getting around to doing the reunion.

The date is planned for Sat. Feb 7th at my house, 6pm. Please let me know if that date will work for you all?

Sorry for the mega delay, but I hope it will have been worth it.

- Rob

Robert Ellis Photography

www.robertellis.com




It's about TIME!!!





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Lodi had wanted this photoshoot with him & his girls years ago with his hot rod at this historical Lompoc building and time is running out before they tear it down or something so he got everyone dressed up and propped up and we got it done Sunday. I only wish I had all of Rob's equipment; especially the flash and the wide angle, but that's what Christmas $$$ is for.

( Lodi's & my sisters' family... )

Today after work I met iemaja  &morningloryblue  down by the bay. I am so EXCITED to be their wedding photographer in February. THey are a lovely couple who I feel I've always known  and hope they move to Monterey so we can be neighbors too :) 

I want more rain. Molly & I walked tonight in the blue black humidity and tomorrow I open, this sketch I did in class was as festive as I got this year. Learned how to draw with an eraser. Have an essay due Wednesday. Paid off credit card. Time for bed. happy Halloween.