Deja Vus, and other stories.

Yesterday I read and napped and found two people to cover shifts and biked and stretched doing amateur yoga (needed now after biking now I am getting strong muscles!) and I had a desire for the ocean, (though it was too choppy and crazy for little cook-ey me.) I left Molly at home so I could walk slowly, and let my bones soak up the static hum of the constant waves, I meditated on the rocks and the changing clouds like smoke signals. Searched the debris of civilization for patterns, the concrete rip rap like huge concrete runes flung and stuck in the sand where they landed.







Billy at Tioga with the board Barney shaped, that Billy painted


it was choppy but beautiful




After our evening at the windy Tioga avenue where the clouds were morphing above us fast as the churning waves we met Barney at English Ales, where they each have their own mugs. I had three Big Sur Pale Ales and crumbling veggie sandwich and fat french fried. I don't remember the last time I had french fries! Barney is building a train car for some mean rich guy and is having brass casting problems, I actually knew exactly what he was talking about with my dental lab experience. I said I can help, I have blow-torch holding experience! Barney put his gum on the edge of his mug and everyone stared at it when there was nothing to talk about.



Last night I had a dream I picked it off the mug and chewed it.
Also dreamed that I was in a pale blue iceworld, I was with strangers from the past in I don't know, like Neanderthal time. I looked around, we were in these crazy animal skins and fur, I was as fat as a seal from it, there was primitive but well done stitching throughout my warm coat. the boots! Ugg boots on PCP, I was walking in a line, we were traveling, through a gorge of pale blue ice, we were walking quietly, I could tell we were going a very long way, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I heard barking/howling, got scared for a second thinking of the coyotes, but when I turned in the direction there were gorgeous fluffy white and gray creatures, at least a dozen wolves. Wolves! Wherever I was I didn't want to leave, it was genuinely peaceful and lovely. THey were just passing through too and were curious about our line of humans like walking walruses. We were in a larger pack than they so they didn't try and intimidate us .Oh, it was beautiful. Then we came to a clearing, there was a sand box type of structure, but no sand just ice and dirt, things were melting now. There was someone in it on her side, shivering, wearing only a pink tank top and black pants. She was shivering violently, like she was going to die, or seiszuring. I walked to help her, and was shocked to see, that it was me. In my outfit I usually put on straight out of bed or the shower because I'm not a robe person but a yoga pants person. I grabbed me and rubbed my arms to warm me and tried to wake me up. It creeped me out more than anything to not be able to feel, even though I was in the form of someone else, I couldn't feel the hands trying to warm me, smacking my face trying to make me waken. Then I was in my normal body, waking up, and saw people dressed like Inuits walking away in a line with wolves play calling far away. What was that? I have to remember that dream, the beautiful ice. Must remember and write about that dream when you wake up. I watched them walking away, amazed, and wishing they told me what they knew, what they saw on their journey

Going out tonight. Can you believe that? Finally, thought, what am I waiting around for. Cheeah invited me out, I work with her, and worked with her when I was hired the first time. Goin' to the Crown to meet her and others. Billy usually goes out for beer with the surf bros in the evenings, I said guess what I"M GOING TNIGHT TOO! said oh, you going out? maybe I have time for both. Ha! And I took the Sue for her afternoon bicycle ride, and I rearranged Stuff & Things, and I had a cocktail, and I burnt sage, heavenly sage. I sewed some shirts but that didn't satiate, am gonna shoer, shave, plucking of the eyebrows, putting on of the makeup, painting of the nails---and sit in the garage to read, because that is the only corner of the house that gets light beyond 9 a.m., and I've always wanted to do that, watch the ice cream truck roll by with the flashy rims. Beneath to the right of the black widow against the ceiling, to the left of the bikes, with Molly tied up and laying on a blanket, and Simon strutting his stuff down the driveway. Then, I'm going to wake up because I will fall asleep in the perfect warmth, unless the fog rolls in early. I love days off.

The dolphins came out to say happy birthday, I hadn't seen them in so long. They didn't feel like flipping and somersaulting though, since they were following bait balls. I was tired, had a nap enough to keep me going past sunset, having opened, and having to open again the next day. BIlly had two bottles of wine to split though we mostly drank the red with all the Italian food he brought. & key lime pie bars for dessert. I'll remember the tourists girls who ran to the sea like they were in a music video and screamed in shock and pain at the cold, they guy who shy and giddy came to Billy and said he made his hands bleed trying to open beers did we have an opener? His girlfriend tucked in the iceplant in a nook waiting in a blanket, the words Billy said to me with tears forming in his beautiful eyes, he said special things but he also said I know you've been worried lately about me not loving you as much as I love surfing but its just that I can't love you any more than I already do, and it can't get any better than this so it's just a plateau.

Is that what happens after you've been together for ten years? There is no limit for me to expand in love with someone.

Like he wrote in my card my simple birthday celebration DID make me feel loved and nourished and it was just what I wanted and we were able to reconnect.







watched a sailboat ride the light instead of the wind


the other night at Tioga, Billy surfed and I read


I missed the shape shifting fog while we were in Colorado


That night I dreamed: First I became conscious in the dream kind of slowly, I was sitting in a circle of about five people, they were taking turns clockwise saying important random things. Me, still barely coming-to, had to give up my turn because I was out of it, but I started realizing what was going on when it was two people away from my turn again. Now I can't remember what exactly the guy said, but it was philosophizing by observation of people, and I had the feeling these people were now longer alive. They were all about the same age just a bit older than me, and dressed oddly but comfortable and I wondered who were all these cool people and where was I? Something pressing about the ceremonial way we were sitting, that said it was special and I ha better pay attention, there were objects in the middle but I can't remember what they were, then my turn came. I thanked them for inviting me and my ears were open then. I felt like they were happy with my just being there and I had their full support. Then I turn my head, there is a road in the middle of nowhere with a telephone pole stretching far away along the road next to peaceful hills. There is an ambulance parked in an abandoned way on the side of the road. It is warm and sunny and bright and completely windless and quiet and a little creepy. I run towards it and around the ambulance my gramma is just standing there, in one her 'house dresses' she says so seriously it makes me feel like I do not know her: "Stacey dear I'm getting very tired and lonely here and it's not going to be much longer before I go" She was way more alert and energetic than normal. I just accepted it and told her I loved her very much and then this person rode a bike by and was panicked and breathless, they needed help! They had a grocery list! They started reading things off like, get potatoes carrots and tomateos!, then I need to go here and here but it was life or death, and important to this person so I drove the ambulance about a hundred feet and they said okay right here please! I scratched my head I didn't help at all they jumped out of the ambulance, I got out too. My gramma was sitting on a ledge in the sun looking happy to herself. I heard gunshots, I looked up and there was Brett Grossini from high school, the good looking class clown that had way too much energy who could make anyone in any group laugh and feel like the most special person in school. He's in the Army Special Forces now, stationed in Afghanistan, grown a beard to fit in and apparently is having the time of his life with al that energy he has to burn. He visited Billy's house at Christmas when we were home, but I was sick and went to bed early and didn't get to see him. Tommy says he still keeps in touch with him and is fired up about some machine gun nicknamed 'the Breath of Allah' by the soldiers. Who would have thought hunting Osama Bin Laden would have been his perfect niche. Anyone in my dream he was straight faced and not happy, in his own world shooting this gun. He didn't seem to notice me running towards him screaming to stoop shooting, and the bullets went right through me, I realized then that I was dreaming, and didn't have to worry about the gun. So I followed him around, wondering what happened to him, his spirit looked broken, did I remember him being so gorgeous? I thought he had a beard, Tommy said he had a middle eastern look now where is it? But he was taller than I remember and wearing a cutoff shirt and looked more like a sixties soldier than one of our times. I just follwered around and felt him out, and never realized just how troubled, deep, and brave his spirit truly was and Billy said out of nowhere as he appeared behind me: Who I realized was following me around following Brett around trying to figure out what I was looking for: He said holy shit you guys go perfect together, and I looked at him, like yeah, some peoples stars are just crossed, and that's how it is, didn't you know? You can't say it will be one way because it has a life of its own and wants to go six ways at once. I followed Brett to an abandoned building against a hill, it looked like it had been a 6 sided building, I wondered what kind of festivals and carnivals that were held here and why it is forgotten about now. Feathers caught my eye: they were covering a wall beneath a ledge. I thought yeah right like I would find something of any importance, I already have feathers, and then all of a sudden the feathers were hanging lined up on the over hang like they were trying to get my attention. I walked over and was in awe, there were golden owl feathers, large brown feathers, pelican feathers, and blue heron feathers. There was light coming from inside the roof and up to the left, but I couldn't quite see. So I stuck my head in to see but spider webs kept me from jumping back. That's when my alarm went of at 2:45 a.m. and I thought of that dream over and over all day, the importance of it kept pressing on me, felt between states of consciousness all day. It was more vivid than I've had for a while.

Well I came to the realization of what a sucky photographer I am~ I've been searching my photo databases for 5 measly epitomes that could possibly be Point Lobos in order to win this contest. I only found ~1~ that has any resemblance to the Point Lobos that rests on the pedestal that is millions of calenders. That is the square sepia image of a heron taking off from the nest in the pines at sunset so it is a flying silhouette, you know one of my satisfying monthly heron shots. But all the rest suck suck suck and I realize: Do I know Point Lobos at all? I looked at Deviant Art versions some are okay but clearly digitized too much so that it looks like a Disneyland ride without wax mummies. The others are too boring, and without drawing it how to I tell the moods of this sacred place? This is the first time I've felt challenged with nature photography like all this time I've been shooting blanks when I go there just because I love it so much but if I had (now 4) more photos to exploit the spirit which it it allows me to see how would I do that knowing what I know about light & my camera and its hidden spiral of compositions??

And so I decided to go by the end of April and just take tons of new ones with this in mind.

Point Lobos is NOT what it seems to be
I LOVE blurry water shots but that is a RARE MOOD for Point Lobos, you know to be peaceful in the way calenders portray it. It's like showing a woman on Cosmopolitan magazine with digitized skin and sturdy boobs, really

It is naturally brutal, with unforgiving wind and cliffs and depths into the bay which makes it so unique in the whole world; the barking seals which gives it its famous name, they suffer miscarriages too and play with their dead babies in the sand, crying at it because it doesn't do what the other proud fat mammas' babies do.
And the deer, they don't care for tourists much, they can't enjoy the sun any more because to get any privacy they must graze at the coldest darkest times of daylight, but they like it that way anyway. Some eggs fall out of nests on windy days and squirrels leave nuts half eaten in pine trees before they loose their furry tails to RV tires, otters have bebies and raise them on their bellies while they float in safe coves tied to kelp thriving on the ocean water itself, and millions of abalone flints in the cliffs and trails mirror pink light after a good rain, from the olden days when they thought abalone was limitless and that was the only way Chinese and Japanese could make a living in a town that for the most part outcast them. The whales who were butchered here still whine sometimes in the water but it goes unheard except to maybe divers and shrimp, and the Ohlone Indians can only shake their ghostly heads at the small portion of the land we nowadays hold dear the way they once thought of the entire world.

How do I show all this in a few pictures. It's not even about the contest anymore, I'm perplexed

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Last night I dreamed I wanted to see what my past lives were. So I walked. I was in a car, but parked along a winding road that went into bright green foothills, like in Mendocino, pulled over, parked. The road led deeper into taller more emerald mountains. I was bitten by the adventure bug, but I think it was a sign on the side of the road that said, I had to walk the rest of the way, and each step, look at your feet, they will change. And as much as I wanted to stop and bee in the quietest moment I can ever remember, the fog rolling against the mountains, the damp warm air, the eerie quietness I knew I was the only human, animal or bug in sight. It was long and meditative. I walked. I went into a sort of trance, even in my dream, although I interpreted it as going in and out of lucidity, and can't remember the in between parts but I was letting the images of my feet flow. I swear it ws the weirdest thing because of course as conscious was thinking I was in waking life, and look at my feet! They fluctuated in pattern and attire and sexuality and color. The. Strangest. Thing I have dreamed in a while, my feet were knarly and hairy and dirty but felt more comfortable than ever on the dirt road leading into the emerald mountians, they were pointed and maroon-fabriced and not very comfortable, they were sandaled and ancient looking, they were all sorts of things and next what I knew I was coming to a knoll where there was a treehouse without a tree, if that makes any sense. I knew it had ana mazing view so I stopped and went that way~ it was the turn that must have ben my life now, because there were all the usual people. My parents, were hoeing in the garden of all things, in overalls and all, they had never been so happy, and I was relieved I was in a very peaceful time; and I went into the treehouse/cabin and there were people from elementary school and high school and my job now but that only made up about fifteen. There was a celebration I was almost late for! Rosie that was my 2nd bridesmaid that moved to L.A she was lighting candles on a cake. Cory the fun hippie chick I work with now she was there explaining what I missed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, a round mirror on the wall and I was in a stupid ugly bonnet and apron! I said I have to go up and change! They rolled their eyes and acted just like they knew and were way ahead, and motioned me to go up, which was a homemade ladder into a tiny loft, where there were people fro my past and probably my future since I only recognized a couple. Just from walking up I looked down and saw myself in Ugg boots and a skirt and sweatshirt, much better! Someone exclaimed, "You're HAIR!!" And I felt my hair, and I had these long dreadlocks, they must have been at least three years. I was like oh yeah that, these help me think, or something like that. Someone was getting distracted out the window, so we laid on our bellies together like we were five and watching cartoons but the tv was instad a window with a magnificent view of a green hilly ranch, like it was the last thing before a volcanic Rocky Montain of a range sprung up behind it. It was getting dark but you could tell there was a silver ruck struggling down the ravine and they were watching in suspense. I Shot up and said I have to Go! That's MY TRUCK! and I woke up.

The night before I dreamed, a vivid dream about my sister wanting to ride her new bike along the cliffs of Highway 1. I wanted to photograph her, and it was in slow motion: her pedaling and smiling to the beat of slow music suspended between gleefulness, meditation and a bitterseetness that I had never seen in her face before, she was almost fearless despite the ridiculous cliffs below her. To my happy surprise there were receding clouds behind the mountain range, adn a rainbow appeared, I saw the angle from the asphalt view, and her butt-long hair blowed perfectly behind her like a flag and in awe I watched the rainbow come alive, move like a ribbon throuh the air from behind the Big Sur mountains mimick the flow of her hair, and unite with the tips of her hair. It was amzing. It was so real

I love magic, how to I express these kinds of magic.

Sufjan Stevens has a sexy voice.

All day I could only think, I wish I had my dreadlocks back

The day has finally come where I said "Go get em!!" To Molly Sue and she shocks me by bringing me a small bunny squirming slowly upside down in her mouth, shakes it some more and it's shiny eyes stare finally unmoving and I pick it up by the tiny soft gray feet, walk with it to the coyote territory and toss it under a tree, so at least it won't go wasted : maybe it will feed a family of hawks.

Sometime yesterday, despite time changes and opening another day in row, my energy was strong, I tried my damned to make connections with people without alcohol or bonfires.

Last night I took a break from my new best friends: flash cards; Billy & I made Mahi Mahi and rice and grilled vegetables in curry sauce, and white wine, all deals stolen from Trader Joe's~ AFterwards I didn't want the day to be over. I should have been knocked over tired but I couldn't control myself, I tried and tried seducing Billy but he was tired from surfing and diving all weekend, so I took off running around the cult-a-sac again. I only did it for about 20 minutes this time, the wine and fish kind of gave me a side ache. Still I tried seducing BIlly, it finally worked, and if Simon wasn't out all night I would have slept like a rock past my normal 3:30 a.m. alarm time. I had a nightmare about my dad, that his job was making him suicidal and he up and quit and changed his life 180 degrees. But a lovely gift that I had off work this morning and was able to rest my legs and my ever sore breathing muscles.

Now back to homework: bones and muscles and the placements of organs I get but microscopic things and the invisible lives of neurons make no sense to me. Give me a topic about comparing some esoteric thing to a garden or a piece of stone, but, this... and the only drawings I do these days are coloring the Anatomy coloring book aside from my squigglies...(I think I am going to use colored pencils nest instead of paint since it is so expensive) Tomorrow is the lab test, I'll have to concentrate above the dead kitty again. But after that bunny an hour ago I think I'm warmed up :/

I am tired of waking up at 3:30 and tired of rude customers and my boss driving the store into the ground I'm sure most people are.

School makes me feel fat and tired and achy. THese days coffee + alcholhol both put me to sleep or wake me up the same :/

I'm jealous of Billy's freedom to walk Molly twice a day for me so she doesn't pull the blanket off me when I'm studying and writing essays; and even when he jumps in the cold ocean twice a day. He did rescue me though a couple times in the past week and we made it to the sea on the rare 2 days when you could see the sun set, and now it's back to rain, at least it's humid and warm, that's nice, but I miss Big Sur

Noteworthy: we had beers in the dunes of Tioga Avenue. We heard a sound, it sounded like cheering or yelling. It was a man racing downhill towards the sea with his arms in the air screaming and howling. He was howling like a wolf, continuously, out of passion and discipline both, the sun had just set behind the peninsula, and it was like he was setting it's spirit free. At first we thought, Crazy Guy! Then it sounded beautiful like singing, and we watched him for the span of a whole beer, he never stopped. It reminded me of a scene in John Steinbeck's To A God Unknown. Fabulous short eerie novel for nature lovers and history lovers alike.

Pro, cra-st-in, tion!



































the man who howled at the setting sun