Deja Vus, and other stories.

Billy wakes up everyday at 4:30 and is surfing by 6, there is still frost in the dark.

We are getting a Different Friend, Billy's mom's vet friend saved her from being killed. She is a ten pound terrier mix her name is Lily but I'll probably call her Lucy since Lilly sounds like Molly. We pick her up next week!

Schedule of classes ready to sign up for Spring semester, 17 units

Yesterday I read and napped and found two people to cover shifts and biked and stretched doing amateur yoga (needed now after biking now I am getting strong muscles!) and I had a desire for the ocean, (though it was too choppy and crazy for little cook-ey me.) I left Molly at home so I could walk slowly, and let my bones soak up the static hum of the constant waves, I meditated on the rocks and the changing clouds like smoke signals. Searched the debris of civilization for patterns, the concrete rip rap like huge concrete runes flung and stuck in the sand where they landed.







Billy at Tioga with the board Barney shaped, that Billy painted


it was choppy but beautiful




After our evening at the windy Tioga avenue where the clouds were morphing above us fast as the churning waves we met Barney at English Ales, where they each have their own mugs. I had three Big Sur Pale Ales and crumbling veggie sandwich and fat french fried. I don't remember the last time I had french fries! Barney is building a train car for some mean rich guy and is having brass casting problems, I actually knew exactly what he was talking about with my dental lab experience. I said I can help, I have blow-torch holding experience! Barney put his gum on the edge of his mug and everyone stared at it when there was nothing to talk about.



Last night I had a dream I picked it off the mug and chewed it.
Also dreamed that I was in a pale blue iceworld, I was with strangers from the past in I don't know, like Neanderthal time. I looked around, we were in these crazy animal skins and fur, I was as fat as a seal from it, there was primitive but well done stitching throughout my warm coat. the boots! Ugg boots on PCP, I was walking in a line, we were traveling, through a gorge of pale blue ice, we were walking quietly, I could tell we were going a very long way, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I heard barking/howling, got scared for a second thinking of the coyotes, but when I turned in the direction there were gorgeous fluffy white and gray creatures, at least a dozen wolves. Wolves! Wherever I was I didn't want to leave, it was genuinely peaceful and lovely. THey were just passing through too and were curious about our line of humans like walking walruses. We were in a larger pack than they so they didn't try and intimidate us .Oh, it was beautiful. Then we came to a clearing, there was a sand box type of structure, but no sand just ice and dirt, things were melting now. There was someone in it on her side, shivering, wearing only a pink tank top and black pants. She was shivering violently, like she was going to die, or seiszuring. I walked to help her, and was shocked to see, that it was me. In my outfit I usually put on straight out of bed or the shower because I'm not a robe person but a yoga pants person. I grabbed me and rubbed my arms to warm me and tried to wake me up. It creeped me out more than anything to not be able to feel, even though I was in the form of someone else, I couldn't feel the hands trying to warm me, smacking my face trying to make me waken. Then I was in my normal body, waking up, and saw people dressed like Inuits walking away in a line with wolves play calling far away. What was that? I have to remember that dream, the beautiful ice. Must remember and write about that dream when you wake up. I watched them walking away, amazed, and wishing they told me what they knew, what they saw on their journey

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

Drove to class.
Class was cancelled.
Gave a guy a ride home,
ate, had a beer
drew but the drawing sucks I need a ruler
messy kitchen and alarm set for five.
Molly Sue is mad at me we only had one rainy walk today.
Billy got beat up by his $99 Ebay board, one of the fins broke off on his kidneys
He's home now with our parents and I'm getting sleepy

Yesterday I put on my wool pants under my pants and jackets and a scarf around my face and followed Billy to Marina Beach, I felt like getting out my zoom lens and with numb hands took pictures of him surf and birds and things.

Later we drove up to the Santa Cruz redwood forest to pick a surfboard Billy won on Ebay for $99, and what a cool little property that was! There was a girl hanging up laundry outside, light was filtering through the tall redwoods and there were dogs running around barking at us when we drove up, and there were a million weird head sculptures all over the place I wanted to take pictures but wanted to be respectful. Billy thought it was a real commune.

Since it was right down the street from the Mystery Spot, we stopped there to see what all the fuss is about. THere were a million people there! I thought it was this park you get to walk around but you have to be in herded group tours.



( IT'S NOT JUST A BUMPER STICKER! )

also, we talked about taking two weeks off in January to go on a road trip to Humbolt county just because we've never been. And, a week in spring if it's not too hot to go to the Owen's Valley, to see the Booming Dunes, the ancient Heiroglyphs, the Ancient Bristlecone pines, Mono Lake and the desert. Billy went there for school and said I would fall in love with it. He says if he had to ever live away from the ocean, it would be Owen's Valley.

http://www.mysteryspot.com/history.html

Two bags of potatoes free from the grocery store, I had visions of a delicious spa-healthy soup thing. But I couldn't find Tahini sauce and I missed half the spices so I made up my own soup. Billy grabbed thyme & rosemary from the potted herbs and I threw them in a giant silver pot and fried them with tons of garlic and onion and olive oil, a good kitchen witch. After the potatoes were cooked into it with the wine I couldn't find our blender, just the base and the lid :/ So I tried it in the Kitchen Aid but it splashed hot soup all over. Got a new one at Wal Mart. Finished my soup. Became grumpy and tired. Still hungover from the bottle of wine I drank all by myself for some reason on the beach the other night watching Billy surf at Carmel. I needed sunshine, our bottom floor apartment with the hard floors I wanted so bad is freezing and dark all day. But I didn't want to climb that big hill, which was where Billy and Dave were headed. Eh I went anyway and was happy I did. My legs are poorly out of shape. Sat in gum in Billy's truck and was even more pissed but he put a napkin down so I could keep sitting there, and I went up and down the hill, sat reading for half and hour and then found the napkin still stuck to my butt! Pffft





Dropping off Dave by my school right at rush hour was not great timing so we hung out and had a couple drinks, MR Oboe stood up with his paws on the banister of the porch greeting us with an open mouth dog smile, Susan was home from work and we watched A California Day and then went to Turtle Bay for carribean/mexican. We read our horoscopes and talked about the next great trip. On the 2nd is Billy's birthday and on the 21st is Susan's; so we planned a trip to Tahoe next weekend. I've never seen Tahoe full of snow, or been skiing! I've been in snow a couple times, but melting in the Santa Barbara Mountains with hot sun doesn't really count. I cannot wait!!!!!

(taken from ADBUSTERS)


Surf lesson #2

Billy took me out to Del Monte, the waves were smaller than last time, WAY icier, the sun and salt blinded me and hurt and made me squint so that I was paddling equivalent to those dreams where you try so hard to run but are heavy and slow and blind; white water after white water smacked me silly, making the world spin and my head float off of its body. I actually felt seasick at first and my eyes burned and couldn't stand the light. My hood strangling me, dizziness made me fall off my board as often as duckdiving. But it got fun, and I caught waves but kept nose diving and then I got one, and got up to knees and then stood while falling over at the same time! falling is even fun. The shallow water glowed green, I watched peices of sand crabs and shells float in unison with the swell. The setting sun leaked shaded blood into the fogline and became a sun made of orange-red horizontal bars, squared instead of rounded; it all left me goofy and high for a long time.

My hair has been combed back to normal, boring, plain hair. I cried and cried and cried

* * * * * * * *

Yesterday morning I made Billy begin Ishmael. Since I have known him, I have not seen him read for fun in the whole eight years. Yesterday, he did!

And then he made me try a surfboard. We merged into each others' worlds.
Finally, an ocean date. Billy, H & I had the water all to ourselves, back at the spot where we had a fire the night before. I had plenty of room to fall and let the board shoot out from beneath me. At first I was panicking. The waves were too small for Billy, so he was without a board and coaching me, and carrying the disposable underwater camera. I hated the board at first it was so awkward compared to a boogie board. After a few tries I could get up to my knees and then squat before I flew backwards or to the side, always screaming with complete euphoria. Duck diving into running walls of water force all of my skin back, no matter how much I squint and toughen in that force I feel it push open the skin around my eyes and my mouth, cold water flossing my teeth That alone makes me light headed, and after the feeling of being a child thrown it the air and caught again you seriously feel high within an hour. An otter, the half cat half bear of the sea, swimming curiously around us, and a seal less brave. As Billy went to where H was to take a picture I was floating around, feeling the lift and the sinking of swells your gut stores long after you lie in bed to relive----I relized, there were golden things floating in the water. At first I assumed it was kelp. THey were not kelp, they were jellyfish. Beautiful, no bigger than a large cereal bowl, hidden by the silver reflection of an overcast sky they were hard to see, suctioned to the surface and gravitating towards other surfaces--me--- and realizing they were everywhere, I started panicking again. If I had booties and gloves, I wouldn't have cared, I would have put one on my board and inspected it. But I screamed and screamed, and Billy came swimming towards me after getting sick of hearing me complaining about something, and I said what do I do they're everywhere! Are they poisonous! He said no, trust me I'm a marine biologist. So he touched the ribbon like tentacles of one and said ow I guess it does feel a little tingly, but they won't hurt you. So we swam/paddled over to H, and caught more waves. It was a dream. I need lots of help getting out of my wetsuit though, it's a 5mm instead of a 3mm so it's like being covered in a straight jacket full of resistance bands.

Warmed ourselves to the bone with spicy thai food, Singhai beer and then used up our Osio tickets to see Crazy Love which wasn't what we were expecting but it got a little better towards the end anyway. I hate movie theater seats, I need to drag a pillow for my lower back next time.

Then I washed bedsheets and in putting the bed back together, that's when I realized that the jellyfish gave me an epiphany---that I've imbibed the bravery I needed from the dreads and like water I must constantly be changing. I started crying and couldn't stop, I did not want to get rid of them but I kept thinking of the jellyfish, and they told me that I don't need this totem anymore, their meanings are rooted into my heart and and I must change to let things grow and morph into new things waiting for me around the corner. As I planted the goals I have reciting them in my mind like mantras knotting them up I made them permanent by combing them out, one by one, purifying myself and giving myself a clean slate.

do you lvoe water





these guys do


( Carmel surfers on a beautiful thrusday evening when it was too big for me and way too crowded for Billy )