Deja Vus, and other stories.

I am trying very hard to remember, there are things about my job that I love, there are people see often who have made my day plenty of times and never even known it. Especially the people here. ANd there are others but so many girls didn't want their photo taken, and Erdal is missing because he always came in at the busy times.

"I saw you the other day while I was driving down Freemont, you were at a bus stop with your umbrella in the air in front of Big 5. I was worried you were going to be struck by lightning!"

Claude: 'Oh, why I was drawing in the sky'

He would come in as soon as we opened, and say we were the aroma of happiness, and talk about his cat who is his best friend, named Red Eagle.

There are too many stories of these customers



















( the customer issue )



***

My intention was do rant and replace every possible adjective and verb with with all the foul language in English which I have always despised (in the pot smoking friends of high school past who helped leaden fine speech in my internal conscious mind to begin with even post-literary educated)

What a, ______ since Colorado.
We had found a hand carved tiki doll at the beach just before that, and my SCIENTIST husband said we shouldn't take it home, remember what happened to the Brady's? The Brady's! I'm not even superstitious and I'm the more kooky one! We're taking the tiki doll home and using it as backyard art! It sailed all the way from the islands to find us on this beach!

And there was consecutively: a store closer/funds drop, a funeral, a flu, an anniversary, another flu, the cutting off of my insurance-- the main thing keeping me at my second round of Starbucks in a 3rd store in 2 years, a sick dog, mostly just customers who are potentially bringing out the murderer in me.

It's not that a HATE PEOPLE, it's that I hate my inability to understand and please the Jerk Faces with walls built to the sky because they're too lazy to try empathy and have egos way outgrown for what they are willing to share.

I like one asshole at a time please not forty per house every day 'it's getting old and its not my forte and

Until today, pmsing and with Jerk Faces sticking pins in me I hadn't had alcohol and my dreams have been morbid.

My camera is useless right now I stare at the paintbrushes and pencils and colors and I freeze

Molly is knawing at my chair I have to take her for a Bicycle Rides

Ugh I have to call around and find people to cover my weekend shifts. I hate phones.

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

I'm SO glad Billy fixed our bikes, Molly gets way more tired now and doesn't gilt-trip me quite as much. Except for when she sees a squirrel, on our way back the other day she tugged me too hard and I fell off my bike but caught myself and but she saw another and I wasn't ready and I fell on the bike and she dragged me down a a small dirt hill, but I don't have too many scratches amazing, since it was just dirt I guess, and those thistles with 5 or 6 spokes that get in her paws sometimes, they sting.

Watched Grand Torino last night, great story.
Billy made us fish tacos, he is a genius with food!
It was too busy at work for two people, poor Carol was in tears, one bar was working and we were out of everything and even though I left a line to the door constantly to make ice tea or a frappucino it wasn't enough.
Finally slept good.

Bike ride today and then work~

I needed solitude
There was a freak low tide at 7 so I got to sleep in till five thirty!
so drove to Point Pinos, watched a heron fish at the golf course, but didn't bring my zoom









look at all the muscles it's eating!



I'm a Cancer too, little guy


this was the other day



Had Thai Food last night at Deanna's, with white wine and fried banana and ice cream for dessert.
Before that we got back from a bike ride to East Garrison and back, Billy opened the garage door and an alligator lizard fell on my head: he said it was hanging perfectly dangling just above my forehead, it must have thought my hairs were tree branches. Before that, my eyes ached from crying because we got in a mini argument but it's fine now. At least his mistress is the sea and not some hoe. Even before that I took a quick nap with Molly Sue. Before that, I tried finishing my hair but I'm still a couple away. Before that I had two avocado sandwiches, and I'm about to have another, with Billy's amazing mouth burning chipotle sauce he makes. Before that I went thrift store shopping and got a pair of pants, a work shirt, wine glasses because I broke all ours and a coffee mug for work with two birds on it. Before that I bought avocados and salad stuffs and olive oil and eggs at the produce mart where we used to live. Before that I opened, I saw Florence! I forgot about her. She said she still has the postcard I sent her from Tahiti.

the back of my head is done, will finish after work today

Yesterday my first day back to the store I started at when we first moved to Monterey in 2003, I saw customers I hadn't seen since I left in 2005 and they still remembered my name. So far I love everyone that I work with it's a breath of fresh air.

And except for horrible cramps and nausea it was a great day

I have 20 minutes to finish my coffee, wash my face, get dressed, brush my teeth, type this post and rush off to work.

Technically yesterday was the last day my store was open for business, I have so many photos of regulars. today & tomorrow a handful of us our cleaning out and scrubbing the store that I opened with a different set of people almost two years ago. Billy is going to Santa Cruz today for surfing and a going a way party which I am bitter I cannot go to because our stupid end of store partner bowling party starts at 3, and I feel obligated. Words cannot describe the level of hate that I have for bowling alleys, I'm going to probably leave early since I will stink like I was sweating and cleaning with gross spirit cleanser all day.

The weather/my dreams have been so strange

Soon I will start dreadlocks my hair is bout ready

Yesterday after I left work this happened, next to my store on the corner



Garret, Tina & Cory were working, they said people came out of the woodwork to buy frappucinos for their kids and sit and watch. What is wrong with people. He said it took three hours for them to extricate the driver of the honda. Said there was so much blood everywhere. There is still staining all over the street when I observed all the tire marks, it must have sounded like the Titanic going down.

Just had weird FEELINGS lately, all the weirdest customers have appeared and I wonder where all these aliens have come from, this guy walked in the other day, put a big stack of boxes on the counter where I was making drinks, opened one: knives spread out "Do you want a deal on knives?" Are you kidding. "I only make $9 an hour, so no thanks." Full moon, just new it. Oh it's been a beauty setting over the peninsula the last couple mornings, too-big for the landscape and oval yellow, listening to Guku by Xavier, perfect pairing.

Last night's dream:After waiting my turn for so long I finally was able to tour a museum, there were cultural artifacts in the first room, I was sad I could only walk by how could I decide my direction so quickly? then there were fossils, and pieces of animals, and then there was more normal looking gemstones and beautiful samples of stones and rocks and minerals, and then in the last room there was a bed. I was motivated to clean out that room, there were piles of notebooks, tore out all the old writings from past classes, got to the floor and found an old cat food/water holder, I thought so THAT's where it's been! But in real like I have never had one like it. I went back to the table with fossils of nautalis shells and distinct corals,

This morning was a good open. People don't particularly like the camera aimed at them first thing Monday morning. It's been an interesting experiment though, women rarely let me take their pictures, the squeel and make a big deal and cover there mouths. Which is funny since women have on sunglasses, makeup, jewelry, they are dressed to be looked at AND have layers of masks on and still are self conscious. Unless they're with a boyfriend or a kid.

Billy's grampa is in the hospital so we might got home tomorrow instead of Wednesday. That's fine with me. Today was my last shift until the 17th!!!!

I feel weird though. Taking pictures of friendly half strangers has done something, I let someone in too far, my spirit feels clodded with all the energy left from people's eyes, and the foggy day. Took 2 rolls of film to Myrick, one roll won't be ready for a week, but until then I'll have contributions to our customer wall of fame collage that we'll put above the condiment bar~ Had awkward interaction with egotistical snobbish local photographer in Myrick, bugged the crap out of me couldn't figure out why he seemed offended by me.

I'm now going to eat salad, fold laundry watching the rest of Benjamin Button, clean house, pack.

The other night I had a dream I punched this annoying guy I work with in the face. Then there were buffalo in my parents' yard. Then our news lady (2nd urgent dream with her: first one; she sat me at a kitchen table and told me something urgent I forgot, and behind her a doorknob was made from the breast of a cadaver with a chunk cut out of it as if it had breast cancer) was telling me: Don't you hear it!?? LISTEN!! You must hear it!! It sounds like.. and she made a sound like the pipe bomb that woke me up out of another dreamworld the week after Jeannette died---which woke me again now, It was terrifying and left me feverish from a nightmare, unable to sleep after 2, and all day I was dumbfounded at my bruised cut knuckle; I probably hit the wall in my rough sleep. I told everyone I worked with that morning how I couldn't get that dream out of my head, but I only told them how I punched someone and had bruised knuckles.

We saw the coyote that dens up by the blue heron, the three of us were walking to the memorial and back, I turned around to see where Billy was (he was deep in awe of the baby hawk in the two-storey-hawks' nest about where her body was found) and there it was the reddish beauty who was the fierce bitch protecting her kid that day when she gave me that awful sprint hyena howling at us. She stood about 15 yards from me, still, staring, curious, and then I screamed for Billy because I was about to panic because there was no Molly, no Billy, and no golf club, but after I waved my arms she started to go into the bushes where I disturbed her that time, and then Billy arrived and chased her deeper into the woods. I collected more heron feathers on our way out. I stopped brushing my hair for almost a week and then thought my friend wouldn't like to have a half-dreaded bridesmaid in her wedding so I brushed it again. but the wild calls me I tell you, everything calls me lately

things are a blur, I am fatigued
sorry I have been nonexistent here I will be back by the end of finals.
I will throw up when I receive next months' credit card bill, and I still haven't gotten every fall schoolbook and I still haven't gotten my friend a wedding gift or paper for the darkroom~


SOON
Billy's parents visit this weekend
Finals end June 4th
We go to Colorado: Lori's wedding on June 14th
My Starbucks closes on the 19th
My 26th birthday on the 29th
Work
work
work
to try and pay off ridiculous credit card
draw
print photos
build website
School starts at the end of August




FALL 09
Beginning Algebra (finally!)
French 1
U.S. History 1
History of Western Art 2
16 units

I don't know what to say
my dreams were just so weird what were they tray to say
Babysat for Andrew upstairs again
Dan was in a bad mood today in lecture, I couldn't believe what a brat he was being, and he's retired
I'll be lucky if I pass anatomy. I expect to pass math but I'm becoming lost. Gave sweet old Hiron my number, and cute sweet Indi, and tomorrow night I meet Indira at Kundalini. To be surrounded by people named after Gandhi's wife! Ha! Dropped off 17 rolls of 120mm film at Myrick, so I can save time developing in the lab at Fine Art Base (I'm saving the color ones for later after I might make something $$~~ I suck at reelling those without damaging them. So I'll stick with just printing prints. Besides I only have until the 31st, and we're approaching finals. Have to wake up at 4 again tomorrow. When will I have time to study. Goodnight. I need that Kundalini bad

Billy: You are so pregnant, I feel it Big Sur is too magical and it got us pregnant.

(My scientist! Are you being superstitious)

I'm so serious. It's magic got you pregnant. We'll have to name it Jade now

(How do you know I am though? Or Phoenix)

Dream: A big spherical shape with an almost fish eye angle camera view it was the world it was overgrown with a massive old tree, it's roots consumed most of it, the roots were braided and alive and at the top a tiny far away trunk held up a head of hair blowing around the globe in the darkness of space, I must draw this

Dream: I was the mistress wearing a fancy white satin gown and gloves. The man I was having an affair with looked just like Robert DeNiro and was an important political figure or military General. I felt like this was World War 2 era. He was going to a war he thought he would not come back from and ordered portraits done. I was bummed because his old proper parents and wife outcast me, I waited my turn with his portrait, I was more interested in the Rolleiflex on the tripod the suit-vested photographer was fiddling with, than the wife saying something upset about me being there. After the portraits were done we walked away, it was by a tree in a grassy area, the grass was dry, it was sunny. I thought how sad the photos would be in black and white. After I waited in his library room to 'see' him he had duties with family first). I saw myself in an oval mirror on the wall, it was a lovely small breasted wide hipped figure with the white satin stretching across my waist, too bad we don't dress like this anymore my 2009 brain said. I had shiny black wavy hair done above my shoulders and a heart shaped face with wide eyebrows and dark striking eyes. Then it's foggy. THen he came in, was upset, sat at his shiny desk and smoked a cigar and spread open a newspaper. He would not listen to me. I hated him for having me reserved but rarely using me. I admired his looks in his military uniform and his angry brow. I fingered the book spines on his shelves and then I woke up

40 miles south of Monterey, in Santa LUcia hills, the sunshine showed me to sleep and I dreamt I was alive (Mason; BIg Sur)



Walks have been almost torture the last couple days. I was disappointed to hear the winds were only up to 60 mph because it felt hurricane force, I was blind and deaf and uphill sand trails were even harder. YEsterday it knocked me out I had to seep after my face burning from wind.

Billy and Molly got chased by a mom and kid coyote this morning, quite a ways, he had to run them off twice, I'm glad it wasn't me my legs still get rubbery when I see those haunting faces

~

Im craving meat. I was a good housewife yesterday and cleaned the kitchen, went to store, picked food things, went home, cooked spicy hot chicken verde enchiladas (without the tortilla) with rice and beans. And wine to go with that. THen cleaned up again, just in case I am...______ I should probably start practicing being a good housewife, unlike now.

My mom visits tonight through the weekend, which I'm a little annoyed because I'm the only one that has school and work through forever, Billy doesn't work weekends. What time I have I can't study for Tuesday's lab test because I'll be visiting. I still feel mentally not back from vacation, it's been hard to get any homework done in fact.

The day has finally come where I said "Go get em!!" To Molly Sue and she shocks me by bringing me a small bunny squirming slowly upside down in her mouth, shakes it some more and it's shiny eyes stare finally unmoving and I pick it up by the tiny soft gray feet, walk with it to the coyote territory and toss it under a tree, so at least it won't go wasted : maybe it will feed a family of hawks.

Sometime yesterday, despite time changes and opening another day in row, my energy was strong, I tried my damned to make connections with people without alcohol or bonfires.

Last night I took a break from my new best friends: flash cards; Billy & I made Mahi Mahi and rice and grilled vegetables in curry sauce, and white wine, all deals stolen from Trader Joe's~ AFterwards I didn't want the day to be over. I should have been knocked over tired but I couldn't control myself, I tried and tried seducing Billy but he was tired from surfing and diving all weekend, so I took off running around the cult-a-sac again. I only did it for about 20 minutes this time, the wine and fish kind of gave me a side ache. Still I tried seducing BIlly, it finally worked, and if Simon wasn't out all night I would have slept like a rock past my normal 3:30 a.m. alarm time. I had a nightmare about my dad, that his job was making him suicidal and he up and quit and changed his life 180 degrees. But a lovely gift that I had off work this morning and was able to rest my legs and my ever sore breathing muscles.

Now back to homework: bones and muscles and the placements of organs I get but microscopic things and the invisible lives of neurons make no sense to me. Give me a topic about comparing some esoteric thing to a garden or a piece of stone, but, this... and the only drawings I do these days are coloring the Anatomy coloring book aside from my squigglies...(I think I am going to use colored pencils nest instead of paint since it is so expensive) Tomorrow is the lab test, I'll have to concentrate above the dead kitty again. But after that bunny an hour ago I think I'm warmed up :/

I am tired of waking up at 3:30 and tired of rude customers and my boss driving the store into the ground I'm sure most people are.

School makes me feel fat and tired and achy. THese days coffee + alcholhol both put me to sleep or wake me up the same :/

I'm jealous of Billy's freedom to walk Molly twice a day for me so she doesn't pull the blanket off me when I'm studying and writing essays; and even when he jumps in the cold ocean twice a day. He did rescue me though a couple times in the past week and we made it to the sea on the rare 2 days when you could see the sun set, and now it's back to rain, at least it's humid and warm, that's nice, but I miss Big Sur

Noteworthy: we had beers in the dunes of Tioga Avenue. We heard a sound, it sounded like cheering or yelling. It was a man racing downhill towards the sea with his arms in the air screaming and howling. He was howling like a wolf, continuously, out of passion and discipline both, the sun had just set behind the peninsula, and it was like he was setting it's spirit free. At first we thought, Crazy Guy! Then it sounded beautiful like singing, and we watched him for the span of a whole beer, he never stopped. It reminded me of a scene in John Steinbeck's To A God Unknown. Fabulous short eerie novel for nature lovers and history lovers alike.

Pro, cra-st-in, tion!



































the man who howled at the setting sun

Marina, low tide. From Jesus clouds to Armageddon in an hour








real quick. Saturday: Dale brought the wine, Rob & Joy cooked, Saelon brought the dessert, Devon ran around showing us her latest artworks they hang up all over the house, Miracle was late, Serene didn't show up, Kamilla wore a white knit thigh length hippie dress with white leather boots and her black hair swung around her laugh. I was surprisingly anxious and hot faced and needed extra wine, our naked bodies were spotlit on the fireplace as each photographer displayed them and all of a sudden it was ten p.m. and Billy picked me up and helped me out to the car with all my selves vulnerable on paper. And boy it was hard to sleep, I had butterflies in my stomach, and I said 'Billy Rob said he tried different combinations of girls in the bedroom for the KEyhole project and me and Kamilla had such good chemistry!' He said so in a curious way, Kamilla and me looked at each other and laughed, and we had a sort of goofy goodbye too, it could be just me, but. We'll email each other and when her & Justin finish the house she's going to have us over :D

It was a sad thing when my alarm went off at 4 in the morning and I was hungover and exhausted already neglected of rest and had to open and work till noon. At least it was a gloomy enough day and I got a nap in after that. Then we walked on the beach and I felt high. And then I slept all night. And now I have to go to class but I have a nice pile of photographs to show later...