Deja Vus, and other stories.

Yesterday I read and napped and found two people to cover shifts and biked and stretched doing amateur yoga (needed now after biking now I am getting strong muscles!) and I had a desire for the ocean, (though it was too choppy and crazy for little cook-ey me.) I left Molly at home so I could walk slowly, and let my bones soak up the static hum of the constant waves, I meditated on the rocks and the changing clouds like smoke signals. Searched the debris of civilization for patterns, the concrete rip rap like huge concrete runes flung and stuck in the sand where they landed.







Billy at Tioga with the board Barney shaped, that Billy painted


it was choppy but beautiful




After our evening at the windy Tioga avenue where the clouds were morphing above us fast as the churning waves we met Barney at English Ales, where they each have their own mugs. I had three Big Sur Pale Ales and crumbling veggie sandwich and fat french fried. I don't remember the last time I had french fries! Barney is building a train car for some mean rich guy and is having brass casting problems, I actually knew exactly what he was talking about with my dental lab experience. I said I can help, I have blow-torch holding experience! Barney put his gum on the edge of his mug and everyone stared at it when there was nothing to talk about.



Last night I had a dream I picked it off the mug and chewed it.
Also dreamed that I was in a pale blue iceworld, I was with strangers from the past in I don't know, like Neanderthal time. I looked around, we were in these crazy animal skins and fur, I was as fat as a seal from it, there was primitive but well done stitching throughout my warm coat. the boots! Ugg boots on PCP, I was walking in a line, we were traveling, through a gorge of pale blue ice, we were walking quietly, I could tell we were going a very long way, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I heard barking/howling, got scared for a second thinking of the coyotes, but when I turned in the direction there were gorgeous fluffy white and gray creatures, at least a dozen wolves. Wolves! Wherever I was I didn't want to leave, it was genuinely peaceful and lovely. THey were just passing through too and were curious about our line of humans like walking walruses. We were in a larger pack than they so they didn't try and intimidate us .Oh, it was beautiful. Then we came to a clearing, there was a sand box type of structure, but no sand just ice and dirt, things were melting now. There was someone in it on her side, shivering, wearing only a pink tank top and black pants. She was shivering violently, like she was going to die, or seiszuring. I walked to help her, and was shocked to see, that it was me. In my outfit I usually put on straight out of bed or the shower because I'm not a robe person but a yoga pants person. I grabbed me and rubbed my arms to warm me and tried to wake me up. It creeped me out more than anything to not be able to feel, even though I was in the form of someone else, I couldn't feel the hands trying to warm me, smacking my face trying to make me waken. Then I was in my normal body, waking up, and saw people dressed like Inuits walking away in a line with wolves play calling far away. What was that? I have to remember that dream, the beautiful ice. Must remember and write about that dream when you wake up. I watched them walking away, amazed, and wishing they told me what they knew, what they saw on their journey

I am still feeling the beat-up sinking floating flying feeling the ocean instilled in my skin for 3 hours the other day. My hip bones and ribs are sore and bruised from the board and my neck and back and arms are stiff and very sore. There are photos I took but Billy took the camera with him to LOmpoc because he got a call his grandpa probably wouldn't make it through the night. Last night we barbq'd, Barney came over, we fed him because he let us go in his garage and take his gigantic tandem surfing board, and he wanted to see the woods. So we went for an evening walk, luckily no coyotes. But a strange thing happened since we've been there: The big oak above where her body was found, next door to the hawk's Nest, it broke off at the base of the trunk and fell, right on top of her memorial. I tried pulling the cross which hung from the crook of the tree out from the ground next to the other cross, now sticking out from oak branches, but the force hammered it into the earth.

This morning opened.
Took a nap after our bike ride: had vivid dream: My jaw had gone out of place again like that winter when I couldn't close my mouth after play-boxing. I could see through a huge gash in my cheek that the mandible joint was scraping against my cheekbone no matter what I did, and I had to hold it there so I didn't hurt it more. I heard a grinding sound, and woke up and I was grinding my teeth and my jaw was all sideways and throbbing, the window was open I was cold but Molly hadher paws around my next in a very cuddly way. The last thing I knew I was petting her before I passed out, I must have been more tired than I thought.

Billy called me crying like I hadn't seen him ever cry in our ten years together, and it broke my heart and we just hung on the phone crying. He says his family is all around him, he is heavily sedated, and his lungs are full of water, and Hospice says he's got about four hours left.

Going out tonight. Can you believe that? Finally, thought, what am I waiting around for. Cheeah invited me out, I work with her, and worked with her when I was hired the first time. Goin' to the Crown to meet her and others. Billy usually goes out for beer with the surf bros in the evenings, I said guess what I"M GOING TNIGHT TOO! said oh, you going out? maybe I have time for both. Ha! And I took the Sue for her afternoon bicycle ride, and I rearranged Stuff & Things, and I had a cocktail, and I burnt sage, heavenly sage. I sewed some shirts but that didn't satiate, am gonna shoer, shave, plucking of the eyebrows, putting on of the makeup, painting of the nails---and sit in the garage to read, because that is the only corner of the house that gets light beyond 9 a.m., and I've always wanted to do that, watch the ice cream truck roll by with the flashy rims. Beneath to the right of the black widow against the ceiling, to the left of the bikes, with Molly tied up and laying on a blanket, and Simon strutting his stuff down the driveway. Then, I'm going to wake up because I will fall asleep in the perfect warmth, unless the fog rolls in early. I love days off.

the house is a mess because every chance we get we've been outside. One day I was too warm and I put on a tank top and felt the sun on my shoulders! We've walked in the humid fog at sunset, and ran Molly Sue on a huge beach with no one on it, and had a beer and avacado burrito picnic, and then made our way without clothes to a little hidden ditch in the dunes, it was that warm. Yesterday I tired of the dreary depressing woods so I went to Point Lobos and had a refreshing two hour hike by myself, and the blue queen of the seashore ruffled her feathers to great me and say it's been awhile. And I had to use the air conditioner in my car. When we ate dinner together, Billy said he saw a hurt deer on the highway, and the police covered it's head with a towel which tossed wildly as the rest of it was paralyzed on the road, and people in the car we're headed towards the ambulance, it broke his heart. And he went surfing, and a young gray whale brushed his leg! He looked down and saw black movement, barnacles, bubbles. Magical.


Blue Heron, Pr Lobos


Somewhere north of Marina, we had it all to ourselves


( ~walking in this winter wonderland~ )

I'm sketching like mad and finally got my library books I needed. This has become a lot messier since yesterday. My essay is about the 'Silver Pavillion' garden/teahouse and it's relationship to Zen Buddhism and I'm really loving this one.